Excerpts From My Diary #6 - The One Where He Breaks Down

It was a chilly Saturday night. The usual ones you’d find in the December of Delhi wherein the cold weather sets in and everyone whiles away their time under their quilts. I was on my way to his terrace, where he’d probably be sitting with a Benson in one hand and a glass of JD in another. I was madly in love with Vineet’s writer friend. We knew nothing about each other but somehow I felt so connected to him, I felt so much passion for him, it was as if I had known him forever.

As I approached the terrace gate, I heard some gazals being played. He loved Jagjit Singh and he heard him everytime he was depressed.

“Kabhi khamosh baithoge, Kabhi kuch gungunaaoge…
Main utna yaad aaunga, mujhe jitna bhulaooge..
Koi jab pooch baithega, khaamoshi ka sabab tumse…
Bahut samjhana chahoge magar samjha naa paaoge…”

That was his favourite gazal and I somehow knew that he was not in a good state of mind. I tried peeping through the window and saw his face.

His eyes were bloodshot red. His hairs were in a mess. A couple of tears rested on his cheeks. He was crying but there was no sense of emotion on his face. It was like tears were flowing through his eyes but his face was expressionless. He was pouring scotch time and again and gulping it neat and the cigarettes he smoked were increasing as well. He was in a bad state. Infact the worst one. I knew he’d break someday but I never knew it would look this bad. My heart went out to him but I decided against consoling him. I wanted his emotions to flow.

Meanwhile, I saw a couple of crumbled pieces of paper near him and they flew with the course of wind. Luckily they settled near the door and I picked them up. I couldn’t help but cry after this. I wish I could be with him.

“Sometimes, you don’t know the reason behind the things you do.
You don’t know why you hold on.
You don’t know why you can’t let go.
You don’t know why you love those memories so much.
The scars of your heart remind you of the places you’ve been.
You are reminded of the memories that break you yet make you.
The love that tears you apart but still holds you together.
The friendship that left you alone but still has been with you all the way long.
The affection and care that you don’t deserve yet desire.
And then these songs, which tell you everything you’re afraid to say.
Some days I break and the calm storm inside me erupts. The emotional change is so drastic that I feel numb. I am breaking down and I feel scared as hell.
There are somethings which don’t have a reason.”

***

Excerpts From My Diary #5 - I Wish I Would Die!

“What if I tell you I had a dream last night? The dream I’d like to live very soon.” He spoke in his slurred voice. He had consumed over half of a bottle of Chivas and he was in his own imaginary world now.

Garima obviously hated his drinking habits but she dint stop him much coz he felt very light after getting drunk and moreover he’d talk about something. Even though how weird it may sound.

“Please do. What was your dream about?” The excitement level in Garima’s voice increased suddenly. She was so eager to know something about him.

“I had a dream of my death. Of being free. Of finally leaving.” He flashed a satisfied smile.

Garima’s smile vanished but her curiosity remained. “Go on!”

“I was at an isolated place. Sort of a cliff and there was no sign of anyone near me. Somehow my heart knew it was time to go. I felt the saddest I ever had.

Pages of my life’s book flipped back with a fluttery sound. Everything came crashing down and I could hardly breathe. The burden of the memories, the love, the friendship, the mistakes, the experiences was so hard to handle. A thousand faces flashed in front of my eyes, and I felt so asphyxiated. This is it, I was letting go of everything that my heart had hold onto, and I was dying in the world of unknown where I leave no trace behind.

The acceptance acted as my solace and my inner voice felt like a blessing. It had been years since I had heard my inner voice, my soul. And now it was dying to be free. I unclasped myself from them and buried the memories in the deepest part of my heart. With a deep breath, I finally took off. I jumped from the cliff.

Like a star I shone for quite a long time as I left many faces with smile. Though, I won't be a part of the celestial henceforth and I won't carry any regrets. I will shine brightly for one last time like a falling star, I will make them wish on me. And for one last time, I’ll fulfil all their wishes so that they’d remember me for something good. My reflection will swarm across their wishing eyes, And I shall die in the infinite darkness as peaceful as it could be.”

He gulped the remaining bit of the whisky as tears fell from her eyes. She wanted to hug him so very tight and wanted to free himself from this pain but she couldn’t handle herself. She ran away and he passed off after a while.

***

Excerpts From My Diary #4 - All He Needs Is Love!

"I fail to understand this guy. He''s rude, he's mysterious and he is not at all into me whereas for some unknown reason I fall for him everytime I see him" Garima cribbed and blurted in a irritating tone.

She was into this writer friend of mine.

I was silent.

"Why don't you speak Vineet? Help me through this" She asked again.

I looked at her and in deep thoughts tried explaining her.

"Listen to me calmly and try to understand."

I held her hand and looked deep into her eyes as I spoke, "Writers are emotionally damaged people. Even though they have a way with words, they still cannot easily express what all they feel. There's too much inside to express. He might seem a normal guy but there's a lot going inside him. To understand a writer, you need to be with him, you need to feel him, you need to breathe him, you need to fall madly in love with him. Artists are not normal people. They have these extreme emotions which they have no control over. That is why they are free and uncontrollable."

She heard with all her concentration and then spoke in her cutest voice possible, "And what if he doesn't love me back?"

I smiled and replied, "If you're able to do this, he'll love you with all he has, with his life and trust me, you'll never be loved the way he'll love you."

She smiled and I knew she loved him. I started walking towards our car realizing how tough it was gonna be for her.

***

Excerpts From My Diary #3 - Pushing Her Away

"That day we were sitting on his terrace and he was sharing a little incident from his professional life." Garima was narrating another incident from her encounters with my writer friend.

"A girl liked him way too much and was so close to being good friends with him but he let her go. The way he reacted would let anyone go." She spoke her frustration out. She so badly wanted my friend to be happy.

"But you know what made me fall in love with him even more, Vineet?" She asked with love filled passionate eyes.

"What?" I inquired. I actually liked how she behaved when she talked about her selfless love for him.

"At the end of the conversation I asked him - Aren't you afraid to lose this friend of yours? If you don't tell her the truth, she's gonna believe that you don't give a damn about her and she'll walk away. Everyone loses patience someday!

And he replied with a sad smile on his face

I don't care about losing anything or anyone anymore, Garima. I've lost the things that meant the world to me and I'm still standing so I'm good. She deserves someone much better than me. And so do you!"

***

Excerpts From My Diary #2 - I Wish We Could Be Friends

“We can be friends, right? If not anything else.” Garima spoke in a sad tone. She seriously wanted to get into the life of this writer friend of mine.

“I am afraid I cannot be friends with anyone anymore, Garima.” He replied with a sad smile as he remembered someone.

“But why can’t you? Friendship is much easier than anything else.” Garima answered in an irritating tone.

He turned, looked deep into her eyes and spoke, “Whoever says Friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend.”

Remembering of his best friend, a spark lights up his eyes and he continues, “She was a great friend and I believe we experienced one of the greatest friendships anyone would have ever experienced.

Now, when I look back at what friendship means, it means her. And I know, I cannot be the same as before, as I was with her and neither can anyone know me like she did. That feeling was way beyond words.”

He lit up his Marlboro and was getting up to leave when Garima asked a question in her kiddish tone which warmed up his heart, “What if she would have still been here?”

He smiled as tears filled up his eyes, “You know I have started to find a certain level of happiness in knowing that I am sad. I am just contented that I still fill something, Garima. And this feeling scares me, haunts my heart, my mind and robs me off my peace. If she would have been here, this feeling would not have been here.”

And he walked away, leaving Garima wondering about the intensity, truthfulness and that feeling of the friendship he was talking about.

She fell in love with him, again.

***

Excerpts From My Diary #1 - The Secret That He Is

"Why does this guy shove me away from him as and when he likes?" Garima yelled straight into my ears as I lit my Marlboro and took a deep drag in.

She had called me to discuss her love issues with this writer friend of mine. She was madly in love with a writer friend of mine for no known reason. The guy was totally away from her and I had warned her that it was gonna be a tough ride. But as girls are, she took the path which was not to be chosen.

She continued, "Either it's he who is confused, or I am over-thinking about all this stuff.  Day before yesterday he was so bloody sweet to me, he made me feel so special. He pepped up my mood and we walked together for two hours just chit chatting and being so into each other. I never wanted those hours to end. Later that night we were on phone till the wee hours of the morning. I told him every detail of my life even the ones I haven’t shared with anyone and he heard me and comforted me like a best friend. The sexiness of his voice still has its effect on me.

On such days, he gives me hope that someday we'll be together. These days are like my best days and I cannot help but think of the time when we would be together. But then, there are days like today when he acts so cold and indifferent towards me. He doesn't take my calls and just cuts off all connections from the world. His world. My world. Our world."

I patted her shoulder as she began crying. I completely understood what she was going through. I calmed her down and let her vent it all out.

"You know na Vineet, that days like these shatter me again and again. Days like these that make me feel that I was a moron for I chose this pain in hope to savour on his love someday but all this puzzles me. Zillions of questions storm my mind and I feel so helpless."

I gave her a shoulder hug as I lit another cigarette. We sat in silence for a while. After thinking for a while, she requested for my opinion.

I took a deep drag and looked deep into her eyes. They were just like a kid’s eyes. So much innocence and so much love. That guy is a lucky bastard.

"No matter how many books a writer writes, no matter how many characters he gives life to and no matter how many hearts he touches....the book of his life always remains a secret. A secret to everyone. His feelings, his emotions, his entire soul remains like an undiscovered pearl in the sea. Maybe you were entering in that territory and he’d never let anyone do that."

I took another drag, smiled and continued, “You’ve done something which no one has done in a long while. You’ve tickled his heart and that has sent him into his shell again. Of whatever I have known about him, he hasn’t felt anything but pain and sheer loneliness in the last 2-3 years but you’ve made him feel happy and that’s what’s troubling. Change is always disturbing. It’s like waking a part of him which has been sleeping for decades now.”

A big smile brightened her face and she was once again determined to get back to him.

I smiled too, but because I knew, her journey was going to be hard. Love and its mysterious ways.

***

Excerpts From My Diary #13 - Only Once!

ONLY ONCE!

The room was filled with light from the window. The sunrays streamed right at my face waking me up. I lay in the bed covered in a brown worn out bed sheet. I felt really uncomfortable during my sleep; pretty much asphyxiated. I tried looking around at the walls, the television and it took me a few minutes to register that I was in Vineet’s room. I hardly remembered what had gotten me here but I knew it wasn't a good night’s sleep. I felt so lost, as if I had been in sleeping for some days or even weeks.

Finally, after a while of relentless tossing of these questions in my head, I tried getting up from the bed. My right hand and my left leg hurt as soon as I moved. They caused me some pain. I looked to my right and saw a couple of tubes attached to needles, which dipped into my arteries, and pumped liquids from transparent pouches hanging from the stand. I looked towards my leg and noticed a huge gash just above the knee. The wound was freshly sewn.

I took a deep breath and started wondering about what brought me here. It wasn't the first time that I had had a fucked up night but it hadn't been this bad ever. I mean, landing up unconscious after a series of uncontrollable vomits and brain tremors had been the new way of life for me. It was my only escape, the only place I found peace in. Being sober hadn't got me anywhere, being drunk obliterated the responsibility.

I looked at the watch on the side table. It showed 12 p.m. I had been away from reality for more than 16 hours. Last night, like many before had been a night of alcohol, weed, songs, crying, introspection and smoke. Me and Vineet on my terrace – five minute away from the nearest liquor shop – and few bottles of alcohol, weed, nail polish remover and just about everything that could ruin us altogether. For some reason though, Vineet refrained from doing anything apart from having alcohol.

And then, I had overestimated my capabilities and had consumed much more than I could digest and I passed out. Only to wake up in Vineet’s bed. I remembered a seizure; I remembered that feeling as if I was unable to breathe, I was dying. I remembered Vineet holding me and trying to talk me. It all came to me in bits and pieces though.

More than anything else, I wanted Vineet to come in now and tell me what all had happened. Somehow, I was just a li’l anxious instead of feeling totally screwed. I dint care at all, actually.

He entered the room an hour later. Till then, I had removed the needles and was limping to get my cell phone kept on the other corner.

“Took a long time to get here, eh?” I mocked at him.

“Sorry bro, wanted to assure your family as well as Garima that you were fine.” He replied.

“Hmm, kya bola tune ghar pe?” I asked

“Yehi ke, you’re at my place helping me with some project and you will call them in an hour as soon as we get free. They are pretty much used to this stuff from you now.” He responded with sarcasm.

I nodded and smiled. These taunts had stopped affecting me long back. “And what about Garima?”

“She has cried a lot for you in the past 14 hours and she has hardly left the bed’s side since the time I told her what had happened. It was only when her mom called over 4 times that she left an hour back.”

“Hmm, and what exactly had happened?” I replied calmly even though Garima’s reaction had ruffled me a bit. I never wanted anyone to care enough to do all that for me. I just wasn’t comfortable with that.

“The same story…The magnitude just got bigger this time.”

“Hmm, and how did I get this?” I asked pointing towards the wound on my leg.

“You did that to yourself.” He replied looking straight into my eyes.

“Me?” I felt a little embarrassed now.

“Yes! The freak in you totally controlled you last night.” He taunted me and continued as I heard patiently. “You broke the bottle of scotch and inserted it into your leg while screaming that you’re addicted to pain and stuff. It was completely impossible to control you. It was only after you passed out that I could get you here.”

I felt sorry for him.

“Thanks for your help bro. I’ll repay it as and when the time comes. I think I’ll use your room for a couple of hours more though.”

“Never needed, dude! But I am curious about one thing. What’s up with you and Garima?” He winked as he asked.

“Nothing!! I’ll shut this down, soon.” I replied curtly.

“Why? She deserves a chance, I guess. Only once...only once let someone prove them to you. Why leaving the new ones for some few old ones.” His voice raised and I could sense the anger in it.

“Only once!” I sighed, sat on the nearby couch and continued.

“Only once in our life can we really find someone who can completely turn our world around. There’s something in them that just connects to our soul and no other similarity matters. We can easily share stuff with them which we have never shared with anyone and still, they absorb our thoughts, our experiences like they were waiting to hear it. They never really get bored of you. Every time with them is as fresh as the first time and you’ll always have a lot to talk about.” I look out of the window staring into the blankness of the world. Every face, every person, every soul who has touched my life till now comes alive in that blankness.

"We easily share our hopes for the future, our dreams which never got fulfilled and some goals which may never be accomplished and most importantly, our failures. We allow them to get into our shoes through our failures and they lift us from that place. They already know our lows. Our deepest secrets. They are not even afraid to cry with us. They not only know our pain, they feel it.

And never. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel shallow about these sensitive issues. Rather they build you up and become the foundation over those failures and make you feel happy, always.

When something wonderful happens you cant wait to tell them because you know that they will share your happiness with the same excitement. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are.

The things that most people don't even take notice of become extremely important to you like a song describing your situation, a small note which they gave you describing your small habits, or a long silent walk with normal chit chats. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are." The excitement returns to my voice as I take a nostalgic trip.

Every other normal thing that you never took notice of becomes a sign of happiness. Smiles are felt with much more intensity than they ever felt. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face.

In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Be it your love when you see a nice necklace or your best friend when you figure out a new prank.

You reach a certain place in life wherein you you’re so satisfied that you never want to leave that place. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day but you’re willing to take the risk. While opening your heart, your soul, you experience a love and joy that you never knew was possible.

You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. You have a group of your people, your life, and your world.

You somehow know, forever exists!” I drop a tear as I finish. Everything from the past had just been relived. I feel certain dizziness in my head. Something like a hangover. My head takes a roller coaster ride there and then as sweat flows out of every pore of my body. I am drenched.

I get up few hours later only to find that I had fainted because I removed the medication and all. I am on sedatives now as I drift off.

***

Inspiration - Bob Marley