Excerpts From My Diary #8 - Hatred Over Love, Anyday!

“Is that how you walk with a girl?” Garima asked him with a smile. She was just glad that he had agreed to walk around the park with her. And he was just looking at the blocks and walking with his head down.

Wearing a black overcoat over his black shirt, his two weeks old stubble, and that inexplicable emotion in his eyes, he looked so desirable. Atleast to me. and his I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude he walked blankly. Nothing on his face. Nothing on his mind. He was hardly aware of the fact that I was there with him.

“I am sorry. I haven’t walked around with girls much. I don’t know what to do actually.” He replied in a polite manner.

“You just need to talk.”

“Hahh! Now that is a task, I believe. I’d prefer listening.” He replied with a short smile.

I loved this short smile of his. A lil curve of his lips and he could take your heart away.

“And that’s what we always do, right? Talk about me.” She replied faking her anger.

As he was about to reply, his phone beeped. This is one thing I had always noticed about him, his phone hardly rang and he was never stuck on his phone. Either he had no interest in his people or he had none.

He smiled at his cell-phone and kept it in his pocket.

“What happened?” I inquired.

“Nothing. An office colleague just told me that she hates me.” He replied with a smile.

“And you’re smiling at that? I mean, why does she hate you?” I raised my voice, a bit.

“Yes, I like people who hate me and I don’t need to know the reason. I am just contented that she does.”

“This can’t be a secret, right? You can tell me the reason behind this.”

“Sure, I can. See, I like people who hate me for several reasons. First of all, I’d never expect anything from people who hate me and neither will they. You don’t owe them anything. Its opposite with the people whom you love.

Further, the people who hate me will never forget me. I’ll always cross their mind. The people who told me they loved me already have. And that’s why I am not comfortable when people tell me that they love/like me. I know they are lying now and they will leave someday. On the other hand, people who hate me shall always be with me. Trust me, as far as I have known, Hate is a much better emotion that love is.” He spoke while remembering all the people whom he had loved and who had sworn to stay by him, forever.

“I see, one of the reasons why people cling on to their love so stubbornly is because they know, once it’s gone, All you’ll be left with is pain. And that is why I try to envelope myself in hatred. I somehow feel secure there.” And he smiled with so much sadness in his eyes.

I just kept walking. I had nothing to say.

***

Excerpts From My Diary #7 - First Love Stays Forever

“How come are you so quiet today, Garima?” He asked with a slight smile on his face.

The words sunk in slowly. He actually took notice of me. A part of me just jumped out of joy. Still, I kept silent. I was actually a bit disturbed because of one of my past relationships. And I also wanted him to inquire a bit more.

“Try sharing, I might help. I have not been good in handling my life but I am great in advising on such issues.” He chuckled a bit.

I felt a bit comfortable now. He was chatting just like a friend. I liked this side of him. He somehow talked me into sharing stuff with him.

“Why is it so that our first love never really goes away? Why can’t we just get over it? I mean we get over many relationships, friendships, crushes, flings, etc. but that first love, dude, I hate it. It never really goes out of your heart.” I spoke all my frustration out. I was so irritated at being so helpless in front of my first love, everytime.

He smiled. I could see he had an answer for that. He stood up, went to the edge of the terrace and started speaking.

“You got to understand one thing, Garima. Our first love is the one that sticks with us because he or she is the only person who will ever receive all of you. You in your most natural form. After that, you learn better. But most of all, no matter what, a part of you shall remain behind forever in the heart of the one you loved – a part no future lover could ever get, no matter what. A part of him/her shall always live with you, too.

That part holds innocence – the belief that love really could last forever. It holds friendship and pain, trial and error, that one kiss you’ll never forget and that night under the stars that you can never get back. It holds youth and everything you thought love could be.

Everything that was proven wrong.” He finished with a sigh.

I was totally awestruck. He just spelled it so perfectly. I felt contented. I felt at peace.

I so knew I was in love with him.

***

Excerpts From My Diary #6 - The One Where He Breaks Down

It was a chilly Saturday night. The usual ones you’d find in the December of Delhi wherein the cold weather sets in and everyone whiles away their time under their quilts. I was on my way to his terrace, where he’d probably be sitting with a Benson in one hand and a glass of JD in another. I was madly in love with Vineet’s writer friend. We knew nothing about each other but somehow I felt so connected to him, I felt so much passion for him, it was as if I had known him forever.

As I approached the terrace gate, I heard some gazals being played. He loved Jagjit Singh and he heard him everytime he was depressed.

“Kabhi khamosh baithoge, Kabhi kuch gungunaaoge…
Main utna yaad aaunga, mujhe jitna bhulaooge..
Koi jab pooch baithega, khaamoshi ka sabab tumse…
Bahut samjhana chahoge magar samjha naa paaoge…”

That was his favourite gazal and I somehow knew that he was not in a good state of mind. I tried peeping through the window and saw his face.

His eyes were bloodshot red. His hairs were in a mess. A couple of tears rested on his cheeks. He was crying but there was no sense of emotion on his face. It was like tears were flowing through his eyes but his face was expressionless. He was pouring scotch time and again and gulping it neat and the cigarettes he smoked were increasing as well. He was in a bad state. Infact the worst one. I knew he’d break someday but I never knew it would look this bad. My heart went out to him but I decided against consoling him. I wanted his emotions to flow.

Meanwhile, I saw a couple of crumbled pieces of paper near him and they flew with the course of wind. Luckily they settled near the door and I picked them up. I couldn’t help but cry after this. I wish I could be with him.

“Sometimes, you don’t know the reason behind the things you do.
You don’t know why you hold on.
You don’t know why you can’t let go.
You don’t know why you love those memories so much.
The scars of your heart remind you of the places you’ve been.
You are reminded of the memories that break you yet make you.
The love that tears you apart but still holds you together.
The friendship that left you alone but still has been with you all the way long.
The affection and care that you don’t deserve yet desire.
And then these songs, which tell you everything you’re afraid to say.
Some days I break and the calm storm inside me erupts. The emotional change is so drastic that I feel numb. I am breaking down and I feel scared as hell.
There are somethings which don’t have a reason.”

***

Excerpts From My Diary #5 - I Wish I Would Die!

“What if I tell you I had a dream last night? The dream I’d like to live very soon.” He spoke in his slurred voice. He had consumed over half of a bottle of Chivas and he was in his own imaginary world now.

Garima obviously hated his drinking habits but she dint stop him much coz he felt very light after getting drunk and moreover he’d talk about something. Even though how weird it may sound.

“Please do. What was your dream about?” The excitement level in Garima’s voice increased suddenly. She was so eager to know something about him.

“I had a dream of my death. Of being free. Of finally leaving.” He flashed a satisfied smile.

Garima’s smile vanished but her curiosity remained. “Go on!”

“I was at an isolated place. Sort of a cliff and there was no sign of anyone near me. Somehow my heart knew it was time to go. I felt the saddest I ever had.

Pages of my life’s book flipped back with a fluttery sound. Everything came crashing down and I could hardly breathe. The burden of the memories, the love, the friendship, the mistakes, the experiences was so hard to handle. A thousand faces flashed in front of my eyes, and I felt so asphyxiated. This is it, I was letting go of everything that my heart had hold onto, and I was dying in the world of unknown where I leave no trace behind.

The acceptance acted as my solace and my inner voice felt like a blessing. It had been years since I had heard my inner voice, my soul. And now it was dying to be free. I unclasped myself from them and buried the memories in the deepest part of my heart. With a deep breath, I finally took off. I jumped from the cliff.

Like a star I shone for quite a long time as I left many faces with smile. Though, I won't be a part of the celestial henceforth and I won't carry any regrets. I will shine brightly for one last time like a falling star, I will make them wish on me. And for one last time, I’ll fulfil all their wishes so that they’d remember me for something good. My reflection will swarm across their wishing eyes, And I shall die in the infinite darkness as peaceful as it could be.”

He gulped the remaining bit of the whisky as tears fell from her eyes. She wanted to hug him so very tight and wanted to free himself from this pain but she couldn’t handle herself. She ran away and he passed off after a while.

***

Excerpts From My Diary #4 - All He Needs Is Love!

"I fail to understand this guy. He''s rude, he's mysterious and he is not at all into me whereas for some unknown reason I fall for him everytime I see him" Garima cribbed and blurted in a irritating tone.

She was into this writer friend of mine.

I was silent.

"Why don't you speak Vineet? Help me through this" She asked again.

I looked at her and in deep thoughts tried explaining her.

"Listen to me calmly and try to understand."

I held her hand and looked deep into her eyes as I spoke, "Writers are emotionally damaged people. Even though they have a way with words, they still cannot easily express what all they feel. There's too much inside to express. He might seem a normal guy but there's a lot going inside him. To understand a writer, you need to be with him, you need to feel him, you need to breathe him, you need to fall madly in love with him. Artists are not normal people. They have these extreme emotions which they have no control over. That is why they are free and uncontrollable."

She heard with all her concentration and then spoke in her cutest voice possible, "And what if he doesn't love me back?"

I smiled and replied, "If you're able to do this, he'll love you with all he has, with his life and trust me, you'll never be loved the way he'll love you."

She smiled and I knew she loved him. I started walking towards our car realizing how tough it was gonna be for her.

***

Excerpts From My Diary #3 - Pushing Her Away

"That day we were sitting on his terrace and he was sharing a little incident from his professional life." Garima was narrating another incident from her encounters with my writer friend.

"A girl liked him way too much and was so close to being good friends with him but he let her go. The way he reacted would let anyone go." She spoke her frustration out. She so badly wanted my friend to be happy.

"But you know what made me fall in love with him even more, Vineet?" She asked with love filled passionate eyes.

"What?" I inquired. I actually liked how she behaved when she talked about her selfless love for him.

"At the end of the conversation I asked him - Aren't you afraid to lose this friend of yours? If you don't tell her the truth, she's gonna believe that you don't give a damn about her and she'll walk away. Everyone loses patience someday!

And he replied with a sad smile on his face

I don't care about losing anything or anyone anymore, Garima. I've lost the things that meant the world to me and I'm still standing so I'm good. She deserves someone much better than me. And so do you!"

***

Excerpts From My Diary #2 - I Wish We Could Be Friends

“We can be friends, right? If not anything else.” Garima spoke in a sad tone. She seriously wanted to get into the life of this writer friend of mine.

“I am afraid I cannot be friends with anyone anymore, Garima.” He replied with a sad smile as he remembered someone.

“But why can’t you? Friendship is much easier than anything else.” Garima answered in an irritating tone.

He turned, looked deep into her eyes and spoke, “Whoever says Friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend.”

Remembering of his best friend, a spark lights up his eyes and he continues, “She was a great friend and I believe we experienced one of the greatest friendships anyone would have ever experienced.

Now, when I look back at what friendship means, it means her. And I know, I cannot be the same as before, as I was with her and neither can anyone know me like she did. That feeling was way beyond words.”

He lit up his Marlboro and was getting up to leave when Garima asked a question in her kiddish tone which warmed up his heart, “What if she would have still been here?”

He smiled as tears filled up his eyes, “You know I have started to find a certain level of happiness in knowing that I am sad. I am just contented that I still fill something, Garima. And this feeling scares me, haunts my heart, my mind and robs me off my peace. If she would have been here, this feeling would not have been here.”

And he walked away, leaving Garima wondering about the intensity, truthfulness and that feeling of the friendship he was talking about.

She fell in love with him, again.

***