Excerpts From My Diary - The Last Meeting

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The Last Meeting

A careless strand of hair was wandering aimlessly on her face as she leaned dangerously close to the edge of the terrace. An air of sadness had surrounded her which was noticeable from a distance. Her round black eyes looked so silent, dull. It was as if someone had dried the emotions in them. She closed her eyes to release some droplets of water. She let open the bun and allowed the breeze to play with her hair. She wanted to grasp a lot of air to breathe in that moment.

I went to her and held her hand. She never grasped mine, though. She half smiled as she took another drag. That was his cigarette and I remember that smile, that’s the saddest smile I have ever seen.

I dint know what to say, so I chose silence.

A li’l while later, I gathered the courage to speak something up.

“You want to share something?”

She turned towards me and stared blankly at me. Her stare sedated me to numbness. It was like a drug that tranquilized my soul and scared me to death. Her eye contact felt like a conversation of centuries had just come to an end. The tears resting on her cheeks conveyed that they had traveled through her eyes only after tearing her heart apart. Till date, I have never found enough words to convey what her face showed that day but somewhere deep down in my heart, that image has always stayed. That face is one of the reasons I am afraid of love.

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After a couple of hours, she started walking towards the stairs.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” I asked.

“No. I am never gonna be fucking okay.” She replied with a straight face.

“You do know it wasn’t your fault, right? He was a difficult thing from the very start.” I tried calming her down.

“And who said love was gonna be easy?” She smiled as another tear made way through her eyes.

“Atleast tell me what happened, Garima.” I pleaded.

“No, Vineet. Aarav kept his stories to himself.” She sighed. “And I will always be his story. Always!”

I was rendered speechless. She walked down the stairs towards her house.

***

I couldn’t find Aarav for a couple of months thereafter. He was hibernating somewhere no one knew about. I never got to know much about their last meeting even after I met him though. But I read the last page of his diary once which read.

‘Abandoning her, he walked away silently but his silence was loud enough to turn her deaf towards life, perhaps forever.’

And that I think was enough to understand the whole scenario.

Somehow, in my heart, I knew he was in love with Garima, too. He was just unaware of this fact.

On the other hand, she never spoke about him but she thought of him every night because somewhere in the dark alleys of her heart, he was very much alive. The memories where they had shared a laugh, or when he granted her a long beary hug, or even a soft peck on her forehead was still very much fresh in her mind. His voice still echoed in the deep crevices of her mind. His favourite cigarette and alcohol was hers now, every night. She could never let him go.

I could see all this in the way she behaved, the way she led her life. She had Aarav written all over her.

Although, she had a sparkling smile put on her lips but her eyes always carried a bleak shadow of suffering. Pain. And those eyes always made me wonder whether it was a wrong decision to let her go on that path of loving Aarav, the writer friend. Had I been a good friend? But I whenever I met Aarav, I saw similar scars beneath his mask. Trust me; they were no different than Garima’s.

Aarav stopped meeting any new person from that day. He immersed himself in his office work and alcohol thereafter. He went non-existent to the world around him.

Whenever I saw them, I knew they had to be together. Garima had always been Aarav’s but off late Aarav was all about Garima, too. They were the only ones who could complete each other.

But, sadly, life has its own ways and they never met thereafter…,

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Until one day.…

Excerpts From My Diary #12 - I Walk Away

I was in a completely foul mood today. I had immensely screwed up with my best friend and I thought it was over. Our bond of friendship of over 10 years was over. I was so dismantled inside that I had no idea what was going on around me. I badly needed someone to hold me, to keep me from falling.

I went to the best possible option I had. Vineet's writer friend.

I ran to his terrace which was pretty much our terrace now. He was roaming around with a Benson in his hand. He was probably getting ready for his usual drinking session. I stopped and took a second to admire him. ‘Manh! He actually diverted my mind so easily’, I thought to myself.

I went up to him and I hugged him tight. Tight enough as if I wanted to squeeze a part of me out of him. He just acknowledged the same as he patted my shoulder and asked, "What happened, Garima?"

His husky baritone voice had a magical effect on me. Half of the anxiety was gone by the way he looked into my eyes.

I held my tears back and replied, "Why do people leave? Why do they walk out of our lives as if we were nothing to them?"

"Because you allow them to." He answered back with a confused expression on his face.

I raised my brows. I actually didn't get what he meant.

“Please elaborate!”

He continued as he walked towards the edge of the terrace, "See, everyone you meet in this life will leave some day or the other. There's no such thing as forever. Growing apart is bound to happen. Either through life’s uncalled circumstances or death.

Now the only way to save yourself from that is to leave before they do. That's what I do.”

More than my redemption, I was more interested in listening to him now. I was anyways overreacting. I had several bigger fights with my best friend and we always made up.

“You do? How?” I asked stepping towards him.

“As soon as I realize that the people around me are getting to know a li’l bit about me, my past or my story, I WALK AWAY. I do that even when I realize that I am getting used to people.

Without any question & answers, without any truth or lies, I walk away. Simply because I know that I won't be able to take the fact that they left me. That way I fail god's trick to hurt me." He ends with a smile. A sad one though.

I take two minutes to absorb that.

"But you won't leave me ever. Will you?" I ask like a kid.

He doesn't reply for a while.

“I’ll always be there when you need me.” He mentions as we stare into the horizon. There was nothing more left to say but I had another fear by the end of the conversation and this time I wasn’t over reacting.

***

Excerpts From My Diary #11 - I Cannot Cry!

He sat on the edge of the terrace. The clock had just struck midnight. Winter rains had engulfed Delhi completely. It was pouring from above but he sat there without even noticing it. Cigarettes and Alcohol were nowhere around for a reason. A relative of his had passed away a day before.

I went and sat beside him. He took notice and stood up.

“Lets go inside. The rains might make you sick” He said with a straight face. No sign of any expression. But I smiled. He had started caring.

“Are you okay?” I asked

“Yep!” Another short and curt reply.

We went inside and sat on the chairs. Complete silence. The only thing one could hear was the sound of the raindrops.

He looked expressionless. Lost. Even though I had seen this expression previously, there was something different this day.

I bent forward and held his hand. I looked straight into his eyes and said, “You can cry if you want to. It will make you feel better.”

A sad smile appeared on his face. He heaved a sigh, looked back straight into my eyes and spoke in his baritone voice.

“You know, sometimes a person reaches a place in life wherein he cannot cry. No matter how hard he tries, no matter how much his heart yearns for it, no matter how much his emotions crave for it. He just cannot. He cannot release these emotions in the form of those water droplets. And that’s not because he doesn’t want to. It’s because his emotions have been trapped for so long that escape is not an option now.

I am one of those. Death still depresses me and I feel really sad but then I cannot be free by letting it out. I store them in the secret room of my heart.”

His eyes completely showed what his heart felt. I had never seen the genuine emotions pouring through someones eyes like that.

He continued, “ And this is the only thing I am scared of. To live my remaining life all through the way I have been living right now.”

I went and hugged him tight. Sadly, he didn’t hug back. He just told me that he needed some time and went downstairs.

***

Excerpts From My Diary #10 - Few Steps To Love

The other day, we were just sitting and sipping coffee in my room. It was unusual as I hardly remember talking to him when he is in his senses.

He was in a good mood and so was I. We were just chit chatting about life, our experiences and all. Every word he spoke, every expression he made was just so admirable.

Taking the conversation further, I tried one of my girly tricks of making him jealous. I started discussing a couple of guys with him, and our flirtatious chats and all. He was listening seriously at first but started smiling after a while. That smile which told me that he had got my intentions.

He took a sip of his coffee and looked straight into my eyes, “You think this will work on me?”

“No idea, but atleast I tried.” I replied a smile.

He smiled and continued, “I am different, Garima. Making me jealous will only push me away from you. It won't make me want you more.

That is how it has been in the past and I don’t see it changing either.

I'm not very competitive, if I see someone who's making you a lot happier than I am, I'll back out because I'll assume you want that person a lot more. What will matter to me is the happiness of the person who matters to me.

Although it'll hurt seeing someone other than me make you happy, but I’ll walk away with a sense of satisfaction that you are happy.

I don't like the feeling of being unwanted or being the second best person in your life in whatever sense you take me. I'm a very jealous person and I seriously believe that my people should always get the best possible things in life. Whether that includes me or not.”

My heart was filled with glee as I stood up and sat on one knee with one of my hands resting on his leg.

“And that’s what makes you the best for your people, boy!”

We were locked in that moment. We knew we had initiated a journey we both were unknowingly excited about.

***

Excerpts From My Diary #9 - The Biggest Regret

I rushed through the stairs to finally enjoy my favourite hours of the day. It had almost been my routine for over 2 months wherein every evening, I went to his terrace and just spent time with him. To be honest, everyday with him had been altogether a different experience for me. Somedays he had forced me to introspect about myself, about my faults and then somedays I felt like I was the only girl in the world. Somedays he has made me fall in love with him and then somedays he had made me hate him to the core.

It’s almost as if he is a magician and I am this awestruck kid. I have just been swaying and enjoying to whatever he has showed me.

Finally I reached at the top.

There he was sitting in his black hoodie along with his favourite companions – The Cigarette and Alcohol.

As I went ahead, I smiled and said a ‘Hi’. He acknowledged with a nod and a short smile.

I noticed something in his eyes today. They were a mix of red and yellow and they were all watery. As he glanced at me, he looked sexy. Very sexy. Pretty much like the vampire of my dreams. I so wished I could kiss him at that very moment. I looked a little towards his cigarette and was shocked to know the reason for his bloodshot eyes. 

He was smoking a joint. It was all the ‘Marijuana’ effect that had taken over him.

“You’re smoking weed?” I asked

“Why are you asking when you know?” He replied in a sarcastic tone.

“That’s not good for you.” I replied in a concerned tone.

“If you look at it that way, Garima, then even breathing is not good for me. Coz everytime I breath, I am reducing the leftover life span I have.” He replied with a half-hearted laugh.

As soon as I heard his reply, I knew he was in his depressing state today and I could try knowing about his life, a lil bit. Marijuana had totally shut off his mind so it was only his heart that could do the talking.

I thought of changing the topic and initiated, “This year is coming to an end. I have had a great year. Different experiences and an interesting journey. I want 2014 to be more of like that. What do you want the next year to be?” I blabbered with a smile. I just wanted to indulge him into this conversation.

He replied after taking a couple of deep breaths, “All I want 2014 to be is the opposite of 2013.”

“Why?”

“Because 2013 was too much to handle. I don’t want to take any of that shit anymore.”

“But those experiences must have taught you something na? Aren’t you grateful for that?”

“Grateful? Hah! I was better without learning all of that stuff.”

“Please elaborate.”

He looked straight into my eyes. And for the first time, I looked straight back into his. I guess this triggered him further.

“To be honest, Garima, I am tired of merely existing. I am tired of all these experiences life has been throwing at me. I am tired of learning and growing up all the time. I want to live for a while.”

I could see his eyes welling up and his throat choking a bit.

“Life is not life anymore, Garima. There is something missing in my laughter, in my cries, in my ambition, in everything I do.

I never feel the happiness when I laugh or the sadness when I cry. It seems as if I only exist.

Like I am just passing time and waiting for something worthwhile to come into my life and make me realize that all of this is just a nightmare. Just a fucking nightmare.” His volume was rising.

I realized it was his true self talking today. He seemed like just another normal guy who had just been through a lot of stuff. I tried getting behind the reason for all this.

“Hmm, what is your biggest regret? I know, there’s something you regret that kills you all the more from inside.” I continued

He went expressionless. It was as if I had asked him something that replayed all the important people of his life in front of him. He went silent but I could see his life was being played in front of his eyes. He poured some alcohol into his glass and gulped it. He made another large drink and went to the edge of the terrace.

“My biggest regret….My biggest regret is that I have never been good enough for people who have meant the world to me.” He spoke in a very husky voice. Tears were upto the brim meeting his eyelashes everytime he blinked.

“This is what kills me Garima. All the time. I have never been good enough for the people who have been so important in my life. The people for whom I would have easily taken a bullet for.

I was never ever good enough for them. Not even that good that they would have helped me through my tough times. Not even that good that they would have provided me the strength when I had a great fall. Not even that good that they would have fought for me to stay in their lives when I started walking away.

It really shatters every ounce of you when you know that the best you had wasn’t good enough.”

With every word he spoke, the angst and frustration in his voice increased. And by the end of it, he had crushed the glass in his hand to pieces. His hand was bleeding. I stood up and thought of having a look at it but he stopped me by showing his hand. He continued.

“And the worst thing about this kind of prejudice is that you feel destroyed and angry with yourself. That gives rise to self-doubt and you know you’ll never be good enough. Not for anyone. Not for yourself.

And that’s only because the people who saw and relished your naked soul, your true feelings, your ultimate being…left you.”

The tears finally flow from his eyes as I get up and hug him from behind. I started feeling his pain much more than him himself. More than his words, his eyes told me his story. There was so much pain in them with a tinge of innocence that I was just swept away in the waves of sadness. In the waves of him.

***

Excerpts From My Diary #8 - Hatred Over Love, Anyday!

“Is that how you walk with a girl?” Garima asked him with a smile. She was just glad that he had agreed to walk around the park with her. And he was just looking at the blocks and walking with his head down.

Wearing a black overcoat over his black shirt, his two weeks old stubble, and that inexplicable emotion in his eyes, he looked so desirable. Atleast to me. and his I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude he walked blankly. Nothing on his face. Nothing on his mind. He was hardly aware of the fact that I was there with him.

“I am sorry. I haven’t walked around with girls much. I don’t know what to do actually.” He replied in a polite manner.

“You just need to talk.”

“Hahh! Now that is a task, I believe. I’d prefer listening.” He replied with a short smile.

I loved this short smile of his. A lil curve of his lips and he could take your heart away.

“And that’s what we always do, right? Talk about me.” She replied faking her anger.

As he was about to reply, his phone beeped. This is one thing I had always noticed about him, his phone hardly rang and he was never stuck on his phone. Either he had no interest in his people or he had none.

He smiled at his cell-phone and kept it in his pocket.

“What happened?” I inquired.

“Nothing. An office colleague just told me that she hates me.” He replied with a smile.

“And you’re smiling at that? I mean, why does she hate you?” I raised my voice, a bit.

“Yes, I like people who hate me and I don’t need to know the reason. I am just contented that she does.”

“This can’t be a secret, right? You can tell me the reason behind this.”

“Sure, I can. See, I like people who hate me for several reasons. First of all, I’d never expect anything from people who hate me and neither will they. You don’t owe them anything. Its opposite with the people whom you love.

Further, the people who hate me will never forget me. I’ll always cross their mind. The people who told me they loved me already have. And that’s why I am not comfortable when people tell me that they love/like me. I know they are lying now and they will leave someday. On the other hand, people who hate me shall always be with me. Trust me, as far as I have known, Hate is a much better emotion that love is.” He spoke while remembering all the people whom he had loved and who had sworn to stay by him, forever.

“I see, one of the reasons why people cling on to their love so stubbornly is because they know, once it’s gone, All you’ll be left with is pain. And that is why I try to envelope myself in hatred. I somehow feel secure there.” And he smiled with so much sadness in his eyes.

I just kept walking. I had nothing to say.

***

Excerpts From My Diary #7 - First Love Stays Forever

“How come are you so quiet today, Garima?” He asked with a slight smile on his face.

The words sunk in slowly. He actually took notice of me. A part of me just jumped out of joy. Still, I kept silent. I was actually a bit disturbed because of one of my past relationships. And I also wanted him to inquire a bit more.

“Try sharing, I might help. I have not been good in handling my life but I am great in advising on such issues.” He chuckled a bit.

I felt a bit comfortable now. He was chatting just like a friend. I liked this side of him. He somehow talked me into sharing stuff with him.

“Why is it so that our first love never really goes away? Why can’t we just get over it? I mean we get over many relationships, friendships, crushes, flings, etc. but that first love, dude, I hate it. It never really goes out of your heart.” I spoke all my frustration out. I was so irritated at being so helpless in front of my first love, everytime.

He smiled. I could see he had an answer for that. He stood up, went to the edge of the terrace and started speaking.

“You got to understand one thing, Garima. Our first love is the one that sticks with us because he or she is the only person who will ever receive all of you. You in your most natural form. After that, you learn better. But most of all, no matter what, a part of you shall remain behind forever in the heart of the one you loved – a part no future lover could ever get, no matter what. A part of him/her shall always live with you, too.

That part holds innocence – the belief that love really could last forever. It holds friendship and pain, trial and error, that one kiss you’ll never forget and that night under the stars that you can never get back. It holds youth and everything you thought love could be.

Everything that was proven wrong.” He finished with a sigh.

I was totally awestruck. He just spelled it so perfectly. I felt contented. I felt at peace.

I so knew I was in love with him.

***