Excerpts From My Diary #13 - Only Once!

ONLY ONCE!

The room was filled with light from the window. The sunrays streamed right at my face waking me up. I lay in the bed covered in a brown worn out bed sheet. I felt really uncomfortable during my sleep; pretty much asphyxiated. I tried looking around at the walls, the television and it took me a few minutes to register that I was in Vineet’s room. I hardly remembered what had gotten me here but I knew it wasn't a good night’s sleep. I felt so lost, as if I had been in sleeping for some days or even weeks.

Finally, after a while of relentless tossing of these questions in my head, I tried getting up from the bed. My right hand and my left leg hurt as soon as I moved. They caused me some pain. I looked to my right and saw a couple of tubes attached to needles, which dipped into my arteries, and pumped liquids from transparent pouches hanging from the stand. I looked towards my leg and noticed a huge gash just above the knee. The wound was freshly sewn.

I took a deep breath and started wondering about what brought me here. It wasn't the first time that I had had a fucked up night but it hadn't been this bad ever. I mean, landing up unconscious after a series of uncontrollable vomits and brain tremors had been the new way of life for me. It was my only escape, the only place I found peace in. Being sober hadn't got me anywhere, being drunk obliterated the responsibility.

I looked at the watch on the side table. It showed 12 p.m. I had been away from reality for more than 16 hours. Last night, like many before had been a night of alcohol, weed, songs, crying, introspection and smoke. Me and Vineet on my terrace – five minute away from the nearest liquor shop – and few bottles of alcohol, weed, nail polish remover and just about everything that could ruin us altogether. For some reason though, Vineet refrained from doing anything apart from having alcohol.

And then, I had overestimated my capabilities and had consumed much more than I could digest and I passed out. Only to wake up in Vineet’s bed. I remembered a seizure; I remembered that feeling as if I was unable to breathe, I was dying. I remembered Vineet holding me and trying to talk me. It all came to me in bits and pieces though.

More than anything else, I wanted Vineet to come in now and tell me what all had happened. Somehow, I was just a li’l anxious instead of feeling totally screwed. I dint care at all, actually.

He entered the room an hour later. Till then, I had removed the needles and was limping to get my cell phone kept on the other corner.

“Took a long time to get here, eh?” I mocked at him.

“Sorry bro, wanted to assure your family as well as Garima that you were fine.” He replied.

“Hmm, kya bola tune ghar pe?” I asked

“Yehi ke, you’re at my place helping me with some project and you will call them in an hour as soon as we get free. They are pretty much used to this stuff from you now.” He responded with sarcasm.

I nodded and smiled. These taunts had stopped affecting me long back. “And what about Garima?”

“She has cried a lot for you in the past 14 hours and she has hardly left the bed’s side since the time I told her what had happened. It was only when her mom called over 4 times that she left an hour back.”

“Hmm, and what exactly had happened?” I replied calmly even though Garima’s reaction had ruffled me a bit. I never wanted anyone to care enough to do all that for me. I just wasn’t comfortable with that.

“The same story…The magnitude just got bigger this time.”

“Hmm, and how did I get this?” I asked pointing towards the wound on my leg.

“You did that to yourself.” He replied looking straight into my eyes.

“Me?” I felt a little embarrassed now.

“Yes! The freak in you totally controlled you last night.” He taunted me and continued as I heard patiently. “You broke the bottle of scotch and inserted it into your leg while screaming that you’re addicted to pain and stuff. It was completely impossible to control you. It was only after you passed out that I could get you here.”

I felt sorry for him.

“Thanks for your help bro. I’ll repay it as and when the time comes. I think I’ll use your room for a couple of hours more though.”

“Never needed, dude! But I am curious about one thing. What’s up with you and Garima?” He winked as he asked.

“Nothing!! I’ll shut this down, soon.” I replied curtly.

“Why? She deserves a chance, I guess. Only once...only once let someone prove them to you. Why leaving the new ones for some few old ones.” His voice raised and I could sense the anger in it.

“Only once!” I sighed, sat on the nearby couch and continued.

“Only once in our life can we really find someone who can completely turn our world around. There’s something in them that just connects to our soul and no other similarity matters. We can easily share stuff with them which we have never shared with anyone and still, they absorb our thoughts, our experiences like they were waiting to hear it. They never really get bored of you. Every time with them is as fresh as the first time and you’ll always have a lot to talk about.” I look out of the window staring into the blankness of the world. Every face, every person, every soul who has touched my life till now comes alive in that blankness.

"We easily share our hopes for the future, our dreams which never got fulfilled and some goals which may never be accomplished and most importantly, our failures. We allow them to get into our shoes through our failures and they lift us from that place. They already know our lows. Our deepest secrets. They are not even afraid to cry with us. They not only know our pain, they feel it.

And never. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel shallow about these sensitive issues. Rather they build you up and become the foundation over those failures and make you feel happy, always.

When something wonderful happens you cant wait to tell them because you know that they will share your happiness with the same excitement. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are.

The things that most people don't even take notice of become extremely important to you like a song describing your situation, a small note which they gave you describing your small habits, or a long silent walk with normal chit chats. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are." The excitement returns to my voice as I take a nostalgic trip.

Every other normal thing that you never took notice of becomes a sign of happiness. Smiles are felt with much more intensity than they ever felt. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face.

In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Be it your love when you see a nice necklace or your best friend when you figure out a new prank.

You reach a certain place in life wherein you you’re so satisfied that you never want to leave that place. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day but you’re willing to take the risk. While opening your heart, your soul, you experience a love and joy that you never knew was possible.

You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. You have a group of your people, your life, and your world.

You somehow know, forever exists!” I drop a tear as I finish. Everything from the past had just been relived. I feel certain dizziness in my head. Something like a hangover. My head takes a roller coaster ride there and then as sweat flows out of every pore of my body. I am drenched.

I get up few hours later only to find that I had fainted because I removed the medication and all. I am on sedatives now as I drift off.

***

Inspiration - Bob Marley