Peace of Mind..!

“As I gazed into the emptiness of the sea, I saw a reflection of myself……I found myself”

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25^th August 11:30 p.m.

It was the last night of our stay in Goa. Me, Vineet, Kunal and Anmol had just experienced one of the most awesome trips of our lives and we were scheduled to leave for Delhi tomorrow. Dead-tired and extremely high on alcohol, we headed towards our hotel rooms after sharing a drink(s) at the Colva beach.

“Let’s move on manh…we gotta get up early tomorrow.” I called out Vineet in a li’l slurry voice.

“Move on? Hahh” He smirked. And continued, “Tum chalo, I’ll join in a while.” He replied.

I decided not to argue with him as we three moved towards our rooms. We had to leave around 12 tomorrow… “phew, too early.” I thought to myself.

26^th August 10:30 a.m.

I woke up an hour back and got ready a bit early just to meet Melinda before we parted forever. Melinda was my girlfriend. We met on this tour and parted at the end of it. Short, sweet love story. Isn't it? *wink*

Before leaving, I decided to wake Vineet up, just in case he hadn't, so that we wouldn't miss the flight back.

Within minutes I was in his room but he was nowhere to be found.

Bed? No

Balcony? No

Bathroom? No

Lobby? No

I searched all possible places in the hotel but I couldn't find Vineet. I was scared now. Evil thoughts started crowding my head.

I decided to go to the beach again.

I started running towards the beach.

In the fear of what-might-have-happened-to-him I dint even realize that the beach was a kilometre away. Eventually I took a cab and reached the destination. I hurriedly ran towards the place I last left Vineet last night.

I was breathing heavy now.

I was running.

Did he drink too much last night?

I was running.

But he was capable of handling it.

I was running.

Did anyone kidnap him?

I was running.

He’s too heavy to be kidnapped. Dammit!

I was running.

With a ray of hope and the fear of what-might-have-happened-to-him, I reached that place.

.

..
...

….

…..

I was breathing heavily now and heart was beating as if it would smear my chest apart.

Sigh! I finally heaved a sigh of relief but I dint know this sigh will be short lived.

He lay there in peace. With a bottle of Teachers in his hands and peace on his face, he lay there, in peace.

 I was scared to death. “IS HE ALIVE?” was the only question that came to my mind…

Slowly and steadily, I moved towards him…A wave swept my feet as I sat beside him and tried to shake him a bit. He lay unmoved. Another wave swept my feet and I shook him strongly now but he dint move a bit.
I felt like the earth beneath me was gone. I felt numb.

What had happened to him? Why the hell did I leave him alone? What would I tell his parents? Why the fuck dint I force him to come along with us?

All kind of evil questions rushed to my mind.

Amidst these thoughts, a paper along with the waves touched my feet. I picked it up and found some blurred words scribbled over it. I knew it was Vineet’s handwriting.

I had to read it. Maybe this was his last note.

Peace of Mind…!

As is gaze in to the emptiness of the sea,                                                        

Old memories rush back, my childhood, I see...

Young, free wild and innocent…

Truthful, honest…what I said, I meant.

How caringly my mommy ran all around the house for feeding me my food...

How few encouraging words from daddy, lightened up my mood…

I remember when cycle rides and homework were my day’s glee…

Cricket, football, it’s all been sucked by a flea...

Gazing into this emptiness, in these memories, I grind...

I need, I need, some Peace of Mind!

As I look over that half crooked, half broken tree...

It’s that playground those classes, My school, I see….

Remembering the teachers, the games, the bunks...                                      

Those friends, that recess, those shared lunch break chunks...

That unusual crush, the groups, the fights, it has all flown by…

A smile covers my face with a tear in my eye…

School life is surely one of its kind…

I seriously need some peace of mind…!

As I shift my gaze, I see a pair of birds…                                      

Flying together, being together, I find my vision blurred…

I am reminded of the girl I love(d), her face flashes in front of me...

Our memories, my past, I thought we were meant to be…
Those eyes, that face, our talks, our unusual connection...

Makes my heart melt, I feel a deep intrusion…

Why dint we work out? Why did she go?

Why did I change? Why am I not the same anymore?

Picturization of all those memories, I realize my love is still unconfined...

Darn, I need some Peace of Mind..!

Further I move on, I know it’s a lie…

I glance at a boat, all empty and dry…

N I am reminded of the girl who fell in love with me...                                            

I could be myself in front of her, I could be free…

I remember how I was her morning, night, her world revolved around me…

But I couldn't love her back enough, coz I was still in love with the girl who dint love me…

I feel guilty, sad…her memories is what keeps me bind…

*sigh* I need, I need some Peace of Mind..!

As I hold my tears back, I further move my eyes around…

I see a li’l girl and a guy holding hands, sitting on the ground…

Looking at this, I smile remembering her…

She always said we’d be friends, friends forever…

Talking to her about everything was once my life’s delight…

I don’t wanna know who was wrong; I don’t wanna know who was right…

What hurt me was the fact that she let me go off easily…

Reminded of all this, I feel a burden, on my heart…numbness in my mind…

God! Please grant me some Peace of Mind..!

Further I look down and hold my knees close…
I look back at those failures, those mistakes, I chose…

By making the wrong friends, those friends turned foe…

They chew me, they spit me, they left me when I was low... 

I leant those lessons; I learnt the hard way…

After a grey night, there’s always a bright sunny day…

Of all these moments, I lost, I resigned…

I need some Peace of mind..!

As I decide to shove all this nostalgia, I decide to go back to my room…

I see my dad standing right behind me, he knows this unavoidable doom…

He gently taps my shoulder as I clasp my hands…

He tells me this is a part of life, those memories flow away like the sand…

“You gotta relish it son” is all he says to me…

He stands beside me…and I face all this, so easily he defined…

My gods grant me some Peace of Mind..!

Tears flow through my eyes as I finish reading this. I am touched. Moved. Shocked.

Inexplicable emotions flow inside me.

As I stand up to call some help, someone calls me from behind.

“Hey manh! What time is our flight? “

Fuck…..another rush of inexplicable emotions run inside me. I turn around and see Vineet standing.

He just rubs the sand off hair and smiles, like always.

I just hug him in delight and smile over my foolishness. He gives me a weird expression while I do this.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

“Nothing manh, I just need some peace of mind!” I reply and wink while keeping that crumbled paper in my pocket.

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When anxious, uneasy and sad thoughts come to me, I go to the sea and the sea drowns them out with its great wide sounds, cleanses me with its voice and imposes a rhythm upon everything in me that is bewildered and confused!

A PART OF ME!

DISCLAIMER ----------------------------------------------------------->

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"Sometimes our sub-conscious mind reminds us of people we thought we have forgotten long back. "

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A PART OF ME!

I am in a place. It’s too dark in there. All I see is darkness. There is silence everywhere. Dark silence.
I run, I seek light. I feel suffocated. It feels as if I am asphyxiated by some lethal fumes.
I am burdened with emotions. I feel too heavy inside. It’s as if the environment around me just shows a replica of what my heart feels. Dark. Silent. Lonely.
Life is so fucking hard. I believe death would be much easier. But I am too coward to accept the latter either. The former is just a liability.
I struggle for peace. I struggle for happiness. I struggle for life.

Amidst this paranoia, I hear a loud voice. I know that voice. That’s the sweetest voice I have ever heard. It’s HER.
Shit!
How come she’s here? I don’t wanna see her again. I don’t have the courage to look at her. I run. I hide. I seek shelter from an inseparable part of mine.

It doesn't help.

Nothing helps, coz everywhere I go, I hear her voice louder than before. She is approaching me. But why the hell is she here? What does she want from me now? Weren’t we done with each other the last time we talked?

Darn this life!

I run away from that place as fast as I can. I enter a room and lock it from inside. I heave a sigh of relief as I believe she can’t enter this room now. I have escaped her. The pain of not having her is much more comforting than the realization of still not getting over her. I am so used to the former. The latter is unbearable. But every time you think your life is going fine, love screws it up.

I search for a water-bottle as I scan the room. I am so thirsty.

I am stunned by what I see.  I see her.

Dressed in a white top and blue jeans, she still looked the same as before. Even better. She radiates divinity with a topping of cuteness. Her hair nicely tied and reaching her shoulders.  Same round face with two almond-shaped eyes which express and impress at the same time. Those beautiful lakes of paradise are outlined with kohl. The kohl is smudged. Yeah, she is crying.

But why is she crying? Wasn’t her life at its very best phase without me? A happy family, a loving guy, a promising career and super-awesome friends, that’s what one desires for, isn’t it?
I sweat badly. I feel guilty. No matter what happens, I just can’t see her in pain. I am flabbergasted by this sudden outburst of long buried emotions inside me.

She comes near me and wiping off her tears, speaks, “Why did you….why did you go away from me?”

I don’t have an answer. I did that for myself. Yes, I was selfish. I couldn’t see her with someone else every day.  I couldn’t be just a friend to her. You can’t befriend your life coz you know one day she has to deceive you. Life has no option.

I stay shut.

I blankly look at her. I wish I could stop her tears from falling. Those pearl-drops make her look even cuter. I wish I could hold her. I wish.

I speak in a very low voice, “Please stop crying!”

She yells back, “Why the hell do you care about it? You left me, alone. Let me cry or even die, how does it bother you? Huh? You lead your life and let me be your past.”

She starts sobbing heavily.

‘Past? Huh! You were never my past dammit. You will always be my present only because you are the only one present in the breaths I take, in my laugh, in my tears, in my smile, in my sorrow, in my…everything.’ I wish I could tell her this.

Instead, I speak, “I am sorry!”

She calms down a bit and speaks, “Sorry for loving me?”

“Sorry for leaving you.” I correct her.

She comes near me and hugs me. Hugs me tight. I am in a dilemma for a couple of seconds. My mind is in a state of shock as my heart is melting, melting by the warmth of her existence near me.  A series of memories starts playing in my mind as I hug her back. I have yearned for this hug for over a lifetime now. A river of tears flows from my eyes as I hold her tight. It’s like hugging your soul back and regaining life. I have been yearning for this moment since ages. It’s like getting drenched in water while you thought you were in a desert where water doesn’t exist. My love for her is rejuvenated. We talk in silence and hug each other tighter. That moment is divine. This pleasure is amazing. This moment should last forever.

After almost 15 minutes of being each other, she releases me, and I look at her face. I hold her close as I wipe of her tears by kissing them. Her lips curve into a smile as she feels this. That smile is her best curve.  I kiss her forehead and hug her again. If you love a girl, you hug her before you kiss her.

I release her after a couple of minutes more and we look in each other’s eyes. We both have a zillion emotions to express as tears stream down both of our faces. I slowly caress her face and feel god’s best creation yet. She shuts her eyes and falls in my arms. I hold her. She looks up to me with a spark in her eyes. It’s time for our souls to meet.  I lean forward as she holds me by my neck. Just a couple of inches away from her lips, I notice her face. She’s such an angel. Our breaths fall on each other as I notice her smile. That smile tells me, she’s mine. I lean ahead and we kiss.

I slowly kiss her lower lip and then her upper lip as we release ourselves in ecstasy. All our stored emotions are transferred through that kiss. Our tongues entwine with each other as we fight for dominance. I kiss her deep and she reciprocates by kissing me deeper. I slowly lay on the ground with her over me and we slowly end our prolonged kiss.

She grins and I am proud of myself for being the reason behind that smile.

“Promise me you’ll never leave me again?” she demands

I nod and say, “You know we are destined to be. This life is just a formality in between. But still, I assure you, this time I am here to stay.”

She smiles.

We lay in each other’s arms as she digs her face deep into my chest and I smell the odour of her body. She smells heavenly.

Couples of hours pass by as we rejoice the moments of our past. I have never felt happiness like this ever in my life. I wish life would always be like this. Me and her, her and me, us. Just us.

Suddenly she releases herself from my arms, stands up and starts walking away from me. I scream, “Where are you going?”

“I have to go Abhi…This life; these people won’t let us be together.” She speaks with a tear in her eye.

“Are you nuts? We are meant to be dammit!” I yell. I cannot lose her again.

“No Abhishek, this life is just like a test of our love on this earth. We are meant to be, my love, but not here, somewhere above.” She tries to comfort me.

I look away from her in anger. I just don’t want her to go. She looks at me with helplessness written all  over her face. She utters, “I love you Abhi…Take good care of yourself. Just for me. See you soon.”

I look at her but she vanishes. I run towards her but I can’t get to her. Darn, She’s gone.

Maybe this time, forever!

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I wake up sweating heavily and with a scary expression. I look around and realize it was just a dream. Tears flow from my eyes as I realize that she is Someone too close, yet so far. Fuck the dream! 

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Our real self is the accumulation of our unspoken words!

CONFESSIONS OF A DRUNK LOVER!

DISCLAIMER ----------------------------------------------------------->

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Can a teenage guy be drowned in deep oceans of love?

Isn't love more of a exploited term nowadays?

          Did he really love her so much or it was only because he was drunk?

Well, those were some of the questions Vineet asked me indirectly during one of our drinking sessions. Provide me your honest opinions regarding this. Happy Reading! :D

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CONFESSIONS OF A DRUNK LOVER...!

"LOVE FEEDS ITSELF ON PAIN AND SACRIFICE!"

‘Kuch bhi kaho, daaru peeke naachne ka mazaa hi kuch aur hai…’ Kunal and Anmol shouted in unison as they picked up another shot of vodka and gulped it down and started dancing crazily.

 I was just sitting on the stairs and laughing at their acts. It was really funny when they mixed up the lyrics of four Hindi tracks into one and danced on it. “Pyaar diwana hota hai, hote hote pyaar ki kashti mei dooobe jo hum mastana hota hai…”  Insanely Hilarious! 
Vineet sat beside me and kept drinking in silence. He was non-reactive to the whole situation. He always acted weird when we boozed like this. After 7-8 shots he’d stay shut and numb. Kunal always referred this behavior of his to the-alcohol-effect but I dint agree to him. There was something he hid in the dark corners of his heart. He just couldn't fake his feelings when the alcohol took him over. His eyes reflected pain.
Although I always shared a good rapport with him and we were good friends but he never shared this side of himself with me and I never tried invading his privacy. 

 Kunal’s terrace, 4 friends, large amount of liquor and awesome weather, the environment was just so perfect.

“Abhishek bhai, we are sleeping now...” Anmol shouted and headed towards the bedrooms on the floor below with Kunal. I just nodded coz they needed it. They were too high to do anything else. Another bottle of whiskey still left, I chose to sit besides Vineet and drink in silence.
I mean you can’t leave whiskey so easily, right? You gotta drink till you forget where you are. I was ready to face the boredom drinking. My love for alcohol was so pure, I thought and grinned.
 

5 minutes passed in silent drinking.
...
...

10 minutes of boring boozing.
...
...

15 minutes and I was getting irritated now.

How the hell are you supposed to drink silently? You do that for fun and not like oldies with K.L.Saigal tracks. We din’t even have the latter here. Huh!

Gladly to my plight, it started raining. God just bestowed the perfect weather for a fag.  Small drizzles of water poured and the smell of the wet soil crafted an amazing environment. Vineet was still silent but there was a change I noticed in him this time. His eyes were bloodshot red and tears were about to fall from his eyes. This increased my urge to know the reason behind it and I spoke, “Are you okay? “

He din’t answer. I thought he is probably much drunk than he should be.

I patted his shoulder and asked again, “You wish to share anything manh?”

He looked towards me, smiled a bit and stood up.

He was acting weird and I stood too, just in case he tries to jump off the building. I mean people can do that when they’re drunk and experiencing a nostalgic trip of memories makes you insane. You gotta be precautious. I thought to myself.He moved a couple of steps ahead and opened his hands wide to welcome the rains. It was raining heavily now…I calmed down and decided to light a cigarette to enjoy the weather. He was feeling the rain as I decided to sit on the floor and let the rain pour down.

Just as I was about to take a drag his heavy voice caught my attention,
“I speak to her on days like these. The days when it rains heavily. I invade my heart and I see her. She flashes her best smile at me. I hear the clouds roar as the rain pours down in gloom untouched by rays. It’s my soul and a part of hers that resides in me. Our souls talk as I shut my eyes and feel the raindrops streaming down my face without interrupting our conversation. Those words aren’t heard by anyone else. The feelings we share are inexplicable, immortal. It feels no one apart from us exists on this Planet. It’s me and my world.”Impressive words, I thought to myself as he spoke with his eyes closed, hands open wide as if he was hugging somebody and his heavily drunk voice. It was filmy yet intriguing.

“You may share whatever you feel to, bro” I said coz I felt he needed to vent this out. He was in pain and the culprit was his heart. It always has been this way. All the problems of the human species are because of this silly heart.He looked towards me and started speaking, “To get over the hangover of her love, I drink frequently. But I guess they don’t make good liquor nowadays, do they?” he laughed. His laughter cocooned pain though.
Maybe it was the hangover of her love which was too strong, I thought to myself.I put my hands on his shoulders and urged him to speak whereas in my heart I seriously pondered whether I should invade his privacy or not.

"All I have is memories. Simple sweet moments I shared with her which will last in my heart forever." He said.

"C'mon, you gotta share it with me." I still pushed him to speak.He sighed and uttered those words which I remember exactly even though I was too drunk.

“It’s almost been a year since I last saw her. 10 months since I last talked to her. As I look back, everything has changed. Life is a rollercoaster which has new twists and turns all the time you’re breathing. I have gone upwards towards my career objectives. I have matured as a person. I don’t laugh unnecessarily nor do I be sad or cry for stupid reasons.

Somethings have still not changed. I still miss her. She still occupies most of my busy time. The free time is obviously all hers. The love I felt for her the first day, has only grown more and more since then.

The pain of missing her has only multiplied every day. Love and Pain share the most amazing and blessed form of love in this world. They’re inseparable.

I look for her everywhere I go. Office, Parties, Hang-outs...Etc.
Whenever I talk to a girl, I try and find habits that match with hers. Her way of talking, her way of carrying herself and every damn thing about her. She is unmatchable. God made her flawless, unlike others.

Her face stays in front of my eyes 24*7. I close my eyes and I see her. Unable to bear that, I open my eyes and she disappears. I smile over this cause that’s what the reality is. I can have her only in my dreams and not in reality.

Her voice still echoes in my ears. That voice is still the cutest and sweetest I have heard. I wonder if I'll ever hear it again.
There are high times when I miss her to share my joys and there are low times where I yearn for the warmth of her hug.

There were days when her smile was all that mattered to fill my days with enormous joys; now are times when I search for my smile, the way it used to be when I talked to her.

There were days when I used to hear every minute detail of her life and used to share mine; now are times when I seldom talk, seldom share my true self with anyone. I felt so light then. I feel burdened with emotions now.

I remember she once laughed at a guy who used to stalk her and made silly mistakes while speaking English and since then, everytime we talked, I used to make an error just to make her laugh.

Just to be the reason for her smile, for a while, was worthwhile.

My parents doubted my smile during the times we were friends. Just the thought of her made me smile all through the day. She radiated happiness and I grabbed the most of it.; they still doubt my smile sometimes but for opposite reasons. Maybe I need that happiness again. I need her.

There were times when I used to get punished in school just to catch a glimpse of hers. I sometimes used to miss my school-bus just to see her board hers. Everytime she’d pass through the corridor smiling at me, my day was made. I would pump my fist into the air and jumped high to express my happiness. She was the one from the very start.

These small li’l crazy things are the only memories that make me smile over my craziness.

We once met on her birthday and while roaming through the mall she held my jacket for a while. Since that day, I have never let anyone touch that jacket. It’s not been washed or dry-cleaned. It carries her essence, her touch, her odour, her feel. Whenever I hold that jacket close to my heart, I feel I hold her. My nostrils are filled with her smell, my heartbeats’ thirst is quenched and I feel her close, damn close to me.

We once watched ‘THE NOTEBOOK’ at my place and she got too carried away after the movie. I was smiling all the way and felt contented. She called me a jerk and I so wished to tell her that I was busy noticing her than the movie.

We once bunked a class together in school and sat in canteen for two hours in silence. We just passed smiles during those two hours and those 2 hours are still the best silent 2 hours of my life. Sadly, It's only silence nowadays.

You know she once borrowed a novel from me – I TOO HAD A LOVE STORY. She read and cried through the ending of that book. The pages got wet with her tears. Those dry pages are one of the best memories of her with me. I caress those pages and smile. The novel is a priced possession which carries droplets of pure innocent emotions endured by the author which I never could.

For once in my lifetime, she brushed her shoulders with mine when we got clicked. That touch was sacred. Her presence was so divine. It feels as if I got a new life as she touched me. Touch which just lasted for a few seconds and created such magic. I just wonder what If…” and he sighs…I know he wishes something which he would never have.

I never get carried away with these silly love-stories but maybe it was the alcohol effect that took me over that day. Drops of tear make their way to his cheeks and rest there for a while. I can recognize them even though it’s raining heavily.  He stays silent for a while. We just stare at the wide expanse of the nature ahead of us. Maybe the girl is just like the horizon to him. He can see her, feel her but never have her. Sad.
Within a few minutes he takes out a cigarette and lights it up. He takes a couple of drags in and speaks,

“The only example of true love left in this world is the 'CIGARETTE' - It burns itself to give you pleasure.”

I never thought that deeply about a cigarette. Phew!
He took a couple of drags more and starts speaking once again riding in nostalgia.

“You know, like the presence of god is only felt by his true devotees, similarly, her presence is not known by others but only me. She looked like a goddess, she radiated divinity and she was sacred. I just can’t get enough of talking about her.”

“Dude, you surely are drunk..You’re comparing her to god…haha” I spoke with an intent to lighten up the mood.

He plainly smiled at me and replied, “She is, atleast for me. She made me meet an unknown part of myself. Had it not been her, I wouldn’t have known what love is. She made me experience all the positive emotions within us. Goodness, kindness, sacrifice, patience, LOVE...Etc. Even the idol gods haven’t been able to do that. So, she is, more than god for me.”

'Is he making sense or am I too drunk?' I questioned myself and spoke, “But dude she also gave you pain, hatred, drinking habits...Etc. what about these?”

He smiled and replied, “Love is one emotion which makes you go through all other emotions. The negative deeds or emotions I feel or went through were because I got addicted to her and every addiction has a price. These were cultivated by me and not her.”

I thought he has completely lost it. Lost it in love!

“Bhai, I am confused. When you love her so much then why isn’t she with you? Why this separation? N why are you in love when she’s already gone” I asked a series of questions altogether. I somehow felt irritated to his situation.

He faked a smile and recited one of the hindi poetry, “Wo mujhe chod bhi de toh haq hai usko….Wo mujhe chod bhi de toh haq hai usko…meri baat aur hai, maine mohabbat ki hai!”

He further said, “Sometimes the people you love make you feel the best and the worst at the same time. I feel great for my love for her but I feel worst for not having her to shower it upon.”

I was shut and confused. I asked, “Would you mind telling me the whole story bro?”

“Sab saali kuch ankahe shabdo ki kahaani hai” he laughed. 

I wanted to know his whole story but before I could ask anything else he took the bottle of the  remaining whiskey and shouted, "To the girl I have loved and the love I have lost." He gulped the leftover whiskey and headed downwards. He went to sleep and my questions were left unanswered.

It started raining heavily again. Maybe the sky felt what he did and the former just couldn't hold back.

Is that what love does to you? Weird. I thought to myself and headed to my bed as well.

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“A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world”

  - LOUIS PASTEUR

THE OTHER SIDE OF LIFE!

We are all murderers and prostitutes - no matter to what culture, society, class, nation one belongs, no matter how normal, moral, or mature, one takes oneself to be. – R.D. Laing

There are some incidents in life which move you to the core and shape you as a person. They show you the evil side of life. You can look away from them but you can’t deny the fact that it still exists. You can’t help it. You wish to change it but you can’t. You wish it didn't happen. You just have to live with it.

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The other side of LIFE!

We always think our life is hard. Some heartbreak, some failure in exam or something bad and we curse our fate but we forget that there is always someone out there whose life is worse than anything you’d ever think of yours to be. Be grateful for whatever you have! 

PRESENT:

I look at the clock. It’s 2 a.m. 26 hours since I last slept. I have tried sleeping but I couldn’t. I feel her suffering, her pain. As I look outside my window I feel disgusted and alone. The imaginary scene of what had happened to her has haunted me since the time she told it to me. That man ought to be killed. If GOD could grant me one wish right now, I want him to die the scariest of deaths. I never knew the human race has gone so cruel and evil. I just look outside and stare at the blank roads. I sigh and hope she stays happy from now on. God Bless Her! 

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28/03/2012   05:00 p.m.

We sat in my rickety Santro singing old Kishore Kumar melodies. It was Me, Anmol and Ashish. It was Ashish’s birthday and as always we boozed like crazy and eventually sang our favorite numbers. I took the driver’s seat as I was the only sane being and took Ashish besides as Anmol sang, “Pyaar Diwana hota hai, mastana hota hai…” Windows down, cool breeze, sad old songs as I put the car in gear and asked Ashish, “So, where do we head now?” He instantly said, “G.B. Road” I replied, “You surely are drunk manh!” Anmol echoed in the background, “Garstin Bastion Road is the biggest red light area in Delhi. I surely don’t wanna fuck a slut you arse-hole.” To which ashish said that he didn’t wanna have sex either. He just wanted to visit once out of curiosity. I looked at him and Anmol and then we all started laughing eventually. Alcohol makes you do the weirdest of things you wouldn’t have done if you were not drunk.

We headed towards G.B. Road.

It was bit embarrassing at times to ask the rickshaw-pullers near the railway station the way towards the road of brothels but we eventually reached there. As we entered, I saw a flood of men and vehicles. Till now I had only heard of it but today I was actually looking at it. It was a bit risky as the Police could harass the-drunk-guys at any moment but then who cared about it. As we entered I saw dark buildings with shops and the ground floors and sex workers peeping from the windows above. 

They did not smile. Neither did me. As we rode, I saw some more of them. I guess the sex trade was about to start. As Anmol was singing his songs and Ashish was shut, I took the very next U-Turn and returned back. I left both of them at the Connaught Place metro station and headed home. I just couldn’t look at those old black buildings for long. They irritated me.

28/03/2012 11:30 p.m.

My phone beeped with Ashish’s message:
I never knew it actually happens until I saw it today.

Within 5 minutes Anmol’s message arrived:
I never wanna be there again. Ever.

Maybe they felt the same what I did being at that place. There was an amazing amount of negativity at that place. I remember my eyes met with a couple of those sex workers and all that hid behind those eyes was PAIN. Incurable Pain.
I wanted to know more about any one of them. I’ll go there tomorrow morning, I decided.

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29/03/2012 11:30a.m.

I told Mom I am leaving for a friend’s house and headed straight towards that road. The auto-wallah told me that this isn’t the time to go there. I smirked and told him I am not going there for sex either. He gave me a weird expression and I started looking outside. I reached there within 45 minutes and started walking on the roadside. Those dark alleys smelled foul. There were packets of latex lying on some parts of the road. I actually realized that this is the place where bodies are sold for a few rupees every night to fulfill some carnal desires. Sex is cheap and it is the only truth.

Walking ahead I came near some old styled stairs. There were spats of the chewing tobacco on either side of it and they had turned black from yellow over the years. It read ‘64’. That meant it was brothel no. 64. I felt a li’l scared but I headed upwards.

I gathered up the courage, knocked at the door and walked into the brothel. 

There were about 14 women as I looked around that room. Few were in their 40’s whereas others looked young, very young. One of the younger one’s was well dressed in a salwar kameez and did not look like a sex worker. My shell of thoughts was broken when the maalkeen of the kotha yelled at me, “abhi dhandhe ka time nahi hai. Sham ko aana bachche.” I told her, what I was there for and what had happened yesterday. She calmly listened and then with a smile on her face asked me to sit down. DOWN. Already the overbearing smells of rancid body fluids mixed with inexpensive perfumes were wafting through the air and making me uncomfortable, adding to it now I will have to sit on the ground. Phew!

 I sat as she ordered tea and namkeen for me. I asked a bit of them and told a bit about myself. Some of them told me that they were forced by their family people here, some came here to earn money, some were tricked in the name of job and some tricked by fate. I felt sympathy towards them. Although I already knew something about it but then they were the bearers and hearing it from them made me feel what they had gone through.

I suddenly asked that salwar kameez girl, “Who are you?  You don’t look like you’re from here.” I was about to translate it into Hindi when She instantly replied in correct English, “Hi! I am Kusum Bhandari. I work with an NGO – Naari Bachao.” We shook hands and I appreciated her social work and was amazed with her fluency. I further inquired how she was there and stuff and she told me that it’s her birthday today. She belonged here once but was rescued from this evil life. She visits here on her birthdays to celebrate with her friends. I was eager to know about a girl who celebrates her birthday with sex-workers. I requested her to tell me her story but she hesitated. She eventually fell for my sweet request as we walked out towards the balcony. She looked good enough. Almond shaped eyes, dusky color, well tied long hair and a formal smile. She stared at the road as she narrated.

KUSUM’s STORY:

I was born in a very poor family in Andhra Pradesh 22 years back. We were a family of 5: Mom, Dad, Me and 2 younger brothers. Dad used to work in a construction company as a worker and Mom used to work as a household maid. They both worked very hard to provide us two square meals a day.
I was 9 when one of dad’s friends came to buy me.  She so easily said the word BUY. I got curious because of her intriguing tone.
He told Dad that they’ll be paid Rs. 1, 00,000 in return of getting me adopted in a rich family in Delhi. The latter never happened. Mom Dad succumbed to the circumstances and I was sold to that man. He kept me as his maid for 4 years in his room at Paharganj. 
He used to beat me up at times for childish mistakes and used to hurl abuses if I’d try to talk but I had no option apart from bearing with him.
During this period, he fed me well and took good care of me. Just like the butcher feeds the hen before she is slaughtered. My body grew with time and I knew I was growing to be a woman. He even understood my menstrual pains and took me to the gynecologist twice.

On my 14^th birthday he brought me a cake and wished me. I felt ecstatic and
overwhelmed. For the first time in my life my birthday was celebrated. He also brought a couple of his friends and they all started their drinking session and sang some songs. He ordered me to dance in front of them and I agreed out of joy. I ate the cake till my tummy was full and went and slept in my room. I never knew I had to return my joy to them by fulfilling their sexual desire. The heinous truth hid well behind the softness of her voice.

The Night That Never Ended:
I so wish she hadn’t seen this night for the darkness of this night has never allowed the rays of hope enter in her life. Ever.

It was 2 a.m. when those evil demons entered my room. I was fast asleep but woke up with their growling sounds. They switched on the light and threw the sheet over me to one side of the room. I was stunned at that very moment. One of them shouted at me and forced me to strip. I got scared and shocked as I saw three drunken men in front of me. I still remember their eyes. The atrociousness and heartlessness I saw in them still gives me Goosebumps. Even the animals would have never done what they did to me that day. I stood up as tears strolled down my eyes. I slowly and steadily removed my salwar and eventually with more shouting removed my kameez as well. With my hands I cupped my breasts over my bra and started moving towards the corner of the room as one of them started approaching me.
He shouted, “Aaj nahi bachegi tu.”
 The other two started laughing as my sobs kept increasing of fear. As soon as he approached me I fell on his feet and begged to leave me but my cries never reached those cold-blooded ears. This sounded execrable. Tears fell from her eyes and rested on her cheeks. She choked a bit, cleared her throat, sighed and continued.

He caught hold of me and threw me on the bed. I tried running here and there but I was like the deer that is caught by a group of beasts. I was eventually laid on that bed where the first bastard came over me and raped me. I cried in pain, and tried to run away from there but I couldn’t. He went on for over 30 minutes as the other two laughed and hurled abuses such as “kuttiya”, “maal” and what not. As and when he was exhausted he left me and the room after thanking the man who brought me here. I curled and cried in pain there. There were stains of blood on the sheet. I could sense her pain. My ears never wanted to hear it. I started feeling worse than I have ever felt.

Then the other one came over and repeated the same thing. He bit several parts of my body like an animal does to his prey. The scars of which has not left my body and the pain of which has not left my soul. He went on and raped me for 40 minutes more. All I could do was bear this endless suffering. I prayed and begged to GOD to rescue me out of this but he didn’t turn up. That was the day I realized, there is no god. We are the anchor of our own journey – Life! I cried to every positive force in this universe to save me from this disgrace but it didn’t happen. She had no faith in anyone. For her, mankind and god became extinct at the very same moment.

He also thanked my owner and left. I still lay there crying in pain. Excruciating pain of my life which began when they started feeding on me has never left my soul. That man looked at me with savaging eyes with a drink in his hand and a cigarette in the other. It was only me and him in the room. He took a drag, came near my mouth and released the smoke into my mouth. I instantly started coughing and he started laughing. He came over and tore off my bra. I had no strength left in my body. I caught hold of his hand and begged not to do this to me. He grinned with his evilness and said, “Theekh hai. Nahi karunga tere saath par tere poore jism ko ache se choounga zaroor.”  I thought he’d just feel and let me go. Atleast I am saved from the pain, I thought. But sooner I realized, the real pain was yet to come. 

I actually imagined, it feels like shit when someone else rules your body. I pitied her as tears welled up my eyes. She choked up a bit and started sobbing remembering what had happened. I held her hand to comfort her and offered her water from my bag. I asked, “It’s okay if you don’t want to continue…” She gulped down some water, heaved a sigh and said, “I somehow feel like sharing this with you…The world out there needs to know the evil side of them.” I nodded and she narrated the rest.

He came near me and spread my legs apart, rubbed his finger over my vagina and inserted his burning cigarette into my vagina. Fuck, did he? I can’t believe my ears.
I released the loudest cry with all the strength in my body. I felt immense pain which is inexplicable in words. 
All the physical pain happening in this world cannot unite and cause the pain I experienced at that time. He started laughing seeing me in this pain. I hurled in pain. His evil grin and my loud sobs filled the room. I shouted as I removed the ashes of that cigarette from my vagina and hurriedly emptied the bottle of Rum which was kept on the side table on it. It removed the instant causes of burn but angered my owner to the core. I was writhing in pain and my sobs grew louder but he didn’t pay heed to it. Instead, he took out his belt and started slamming me for wasting his fucking alcohol. A man that hits a woman is not a man.Bastard!I cried and died in pain for a few minutes before I felt unconscious and then I don’t remember anything.

I am flabbergasted. Stunned. For one second I am in a dilemma if it’s true or not and the very next second I realize she can’t lie about this. I can’t even imagine what she has gone through. Just a thought of a cigarette entering my private parts horrifies me. Being slapped and slammed by a belt when you have no ounce of energy left, raped thrice is pathetic. Super- Pathetic. I feel infuriated. If that Man would have been in front of me, I would have kicked his balls constantly till the time he died. It sucks belonging to the same race to which he does.

Next morning I woke up in brothel no. 64. I later got to know that he had left me there when I was unconscious. For the first few days, I didn’t speak anything, didn’t eat anything, didn’t smile, didn’t sleep, did nothing. I would stare at the open roads all day, all night. The girls here, tried to pep me up but nothing worked. I had lost all confidence in myself. I knew, resting in peace wouldn’t be as painful as living on earth is. 

I tried attempting suicide thrice but it wasn’t successful. The ultimate superpower didn’t even grant me this.
During one of those days Dr. Unnathi Krishnan discovered me and rescued me from all this. She is the one who runs the NGO – Naari Bachao. For six months I had psychiatric sessions and when they got to know the truth, the NGO filed a suit against that man. Nothing fruitful has turned out from that yet. Indian judiciary is the laziest ass of all. Since then, I work with this NGO, lead a happy life and often visit here for hearing there problems. I feel a connection towards them; we are all sufferers. Though, I still believe there is no GOD and the mankind is no more kind, I lead a life just to make some other lives better. This forceful prostitution will be eradicated someday Abhishek, I promise.
She leaves the balcony, wiping off her tears and runs into chit-chatting with the other women there. I think I got a tear in my eye. I look at my watch; 4 hours went by listening to her story. I check my phone to see 3 missed calls from Mom and some others from some friends. I keep it inside my pocket, go towards Kusum, thank her for telling me her story. I place my hand over her head and tell her to gimme a call whenever she requires any help. She returns the number back to me saying, “I won’t require any help. Thanks.”I understood her point. The one who has experienced extreme suffering requires no one else to be her strength in any situation now. I thank all the women there and catch an auto to my place. I was too stunned to take her number or to sympathize with her.I had to deal with myself first.

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29/03/2012 04:30 p.m.

I sit in my auto and think about what all I heard few minutes back. It horrifies me. There is a plethora of emotions going inside me - Rage(for that bastard), Sadness(for what happened), Contentment(for she is doing fine now), Inspiration(for the courage she has displayed), Doubt(for what made her share this with me) and it goes on. I just wish she stays happy forever. God grant her mercy.

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Women are not sex-toys to play with. They are as humans as we men are. They deserve to be loved, respected and cared. Never go the evil way to fulfill your sexual desires coz that might fulfill your desire but might give someone’s soul an incurable pain.

 I know it was a long story but I hope the message reached out to all of you. Stay blessed, Stay awesome!