14th July, 2012
It was a usual Saturday morning when I
woke up that day. I got up, got ready and went straight to my office. Office
was going good with good people around but still working on weekends sucked.
The only good thing about saturdays is that you get to work wearing
casuals. Duh!
Around 1, my phone rang and my mum was on the
other side.
Me: Yeah Maa, temme?
Maa (Crying): Beta, I am leaving for Jaipur in an hour. Nanaji met with an
accident and he has been rushed to the nearest hospital.
I got worried as I heard that. My grandpa was a real cool person
and I was really close to him. He was always an ideal figure and the only one
whom I looked upto before my Dad. He was always very cheerful and could blow
your mind with his wit and humor. But since last couple of years he had
mellowed down due to his neuro-problems combined with
his diabetes and other old-age issues.
Me: Maa, how did this happen? Is anything serious?
Maa: As far as I have been told he fell from the chair accidentally which hurt
his head and he was immediately rushed to the hospital due to profuse bleeding.
I think it's serious or they wouldn't have called me.
Me: Oh, okay! Chalo you leave Maa. Do call me once you leave. I hope all gets
fine.
Maa: Yeah son, do pray.
She needn't say that. I started praying the moment she told me about
it. With all optimism, I got back to work.
Later that evening when I had a word with her, she told me that Nanu is really
serious. His bleeding has developed clots inside in his brain and the doctors
are conducting various tests on him. He is presently on ventilator and the next
24 hours are quite crucial. Moreover, she also told me how he was rushed to the
best hospital of Jaipur at first (Sawai Mansingh Hospital) where he was made to
wait on the floor for an hour and half when he was bleeding and experiencing
extreme pain as my Maternal Uncles pleaded the best doctor around to have a
look at him. When they didn’t succeed they rushed him to the next hospital
nearby where he was taken care of.
I was infuriated at those hospital authorities and a sadness dawned over me to imagine my grandpa in that situation. I just told her to take care and bid her bye.
With hope in my heart, prayers on my lips, memories in my heart and sleep long lost, I gazed through all the pictures of him I had with me. He'll be fine, I knew.
***
I was infuriated at those hospital authorities and sadness dawned
over me to imagine my grandpa in that situation. I just told her to take care
and bid her bye.
With hope in my heart, prayers on my lips, memories in my heart
and sleep long lost, I gazed through all the pictures of him I had with
me. He'll be fine, I knew.
***
19th July, 2012
His condition had deteriorated since that day. He was in
ICU and alive only with the help of that ventilator. I wondered how a machine
could be the only responsible thing for someone being alive. Man made machines
and not the other way round.
My mother had not allowed me to miss my office and reach there because she
believed that I would be of no help even if I had been there. Moreover, my
brother's school was also to be assisted and someone had to stay with
him.
I was in no mood to work today. It was a bad bad day at office as
I had zero concentration and I was constantly sweating with the nervousness. My
grandpa was to be operated today. All the tests were done and there was only 1%
chance of him surviving that too if this operation went successful or else,
he'd have to go.
My Maternal Uncles and my Mom decided to go ahead with the
operation. They had no other option either. They wanted their Dad even more
badly than I wanted my Grandpa.
The operation started at 2 in the noon and I was constantly
thinking about his well-being. I was calling my dad every fifteen minutes to
get some info and to hear that he is alright. After about 7 calls, my dad told
me to calm down and relax. He told me he'd call me as soon as the operation
gets over. Also, a crowd of 70 odd people had gathered in the hospital area and
all of them were praying for Nanu's good health. Grandpa always had a
huge social circle and his friends and family loved him way too much. He was a
helpful and kind person who had a special ability to win hearts pretty
easily.
I calmed down a bit when I heard about all those people. I was
convinced that God couldn't deny these many prayers. But never did I knew that
him granting our wishes was a curse on us and my Grandpa.
It was 5:15 p.m. when my phone rang. I was too scared to pick this
call. After 4-5 rings I picked up with all good hope in my heart.
Me: Yeah Dad, what is it?
Dad: Hello? There?
Me: Hello! Yeah Dad, temme?
Dad: Hello? Hello! Helllloooo..
and the line went off. Fuck the darn network.
I called him back. My hands were trembling a bit and I was realllyyy scared.
Me: Yeah Da..Dad, what happened?
Dad: Don't worry Son! The operation was successful.
I was overjoyed. I thought we had won the battle. My Grandpa would survive and
the card games, those stories would never end.
Dad continued: 80% of those clots have been removed and the doctors are hopeful
of a recovery soon.
Me: That's great Dad! Do take care there. Bye!
And with that joy I went back to work smiling over what he always used to crib
about, "Are you working as Machinery in your firm. Don't they follow any
work culture or something?"
***
27th July, 2012
I was in the Apex hospital's ICU waiting room with my Mom and my
Grandma. Grandpa's condition hadn't improved since his operation and the
doctors were clueless about the same. Even after several other tests and
discussions with other doctors, the doctors couldn't identify a reason for the
non-improvement in his health. The drugs, after the initial promise had stopped
showing combative properties against his illness. Even some of the best doctors
of the city were consulted with his reports but nothing fruitful could be
yielded. Seeing this condition, Mom feared the worst and called me and my
brother to meet my grandpa once. The bus ride to Jaipur was never this sad and
long as this time.
I was waiting in the waiting room of the hospital the next day. I felt scared.
Moreover, I felt suffocated. I never expected I'd see my grandpa in this
situation. Also, like others, I hated the stale, formaldehyde smell that hung
around in the hospital. Everyone was praying for their loved ones. Hosseini
rightly said,
“Real prayers are only seen in the corridors of
a hospital not in the white masjid with its bright diamond lights and towering
minarets!"
"Bed No. 2" called out the compounder there.
Yeah, that was Nanu's bed. Mom told me to go. I wanted her to come with me as
it was difficult for me to handle this alone but only one person was allowed at
a time. I opened my shoes, rubbed the sanitizer onto my hands, and wore a
surgical cap, a mouth protector and a surgical apron before they let me in. I
entered. I was very scared and was very weak in my knees. My feet failed to
move initially but I moved. Maybe this was the last time, I was seeing him,
Alive, or rather breathing.
As I entered, I searched for bed no. 2 around. I saw and headed towards and I
was shocked by what I saw. I failed to recognize him at first but gradually a
closer look towards his face made me realize, he is my grandpa.
I was stunned and astounded. His hands and legs
were swollen. He was draped in a blue hospital robe. His body had grown pale.
Yellow. His face looked very dull. I dropped a tear as I saw this. I wish he
never went through all this. God! He had tubes attached to needles,
which dipped into his veins and arteries, and pumped liquids from transparent
pouches hanging from the stand on his right side. A pipe which was connected to
the ventilator went into his mouth which kept him breathing.
The doctors told me to talk to him and try calling him. I tried calling out to him.
Maybe he hears and responds.
"Naannuuu" I called out. "Listen
Nanu, I am all the way here leaving that idiotic organization just to play a
game of cards with you. Wanna bet again?" I tried my best. I came up with
several other memories and blurted out whatever came to my mind.
After a 5-7 minutes struggle, he opened his eyes.
His eyes were bloodshot red and he tried to speak then, as if he was trying to
tell me something. Something he wanted to say. He tried but the voice did not
come out of his mouth because of that fuckin pipe. I tried hard to calm him
down but he wanted to utter something badly. When I asked about the same to the
doctor in-charge there, he replied, "The patient is not in a
condition to be taken off the ventilator sir. I am sorry." I agreed to him
and got back to my grandpa. I felt so helpless at that point of time which is
inexplicable.
After struggling with intermittent pain and lack of sensation for about 5
minutes, he collapsed like a corpse. A breathing corpse.
The doctor hinted me to go away and I went. I could not stand there anymore as
well.
I was in a state of shock as I headed towards the waiting room
back. The image of my Grandpa, my Nanu lying there in this condition had shaken
me to the core. Although I had imagined Nanu’s condition to be bad but this bad
was nowhere in my imagination.
The other two days went by in meeting him a couple of times more
and several other discussions with various doctors but not much could be
extracted out of this situation.
I visited various priests and tried helping my maternal uncles in
some of the good deeds they advised for the betterment of Nanu’s health like
feeding the poor, serving the fishes, the eagles and what not.
I also tried comforting my mother and my Grandma and tried
providing them strength as these two ladies were the two closest people to my Grandpa.
With all my emotions, flushed in my heart, I headed back to Delhi.
***
5th August, 2012
It had almost been a week since I last met my grandpa. His
condition was much more stable now but not any better. I hadn’t slept well
since then. The images of seeing him in that state had haunted me since then.
No matter how hard I tried, I always failed to imagine the amount of pain he
was bearing.
I was losing interest in almost everything now. I didn’t like
talking much to anyone. I tried meeting a couple of friends but it didn’t help.
I was so lost even when I met them that they were wondering what had happened
to me. I couldn’t even share whatever was going inside as I felt there was too
much to express and the words would fall short. Although a couple of them knew
about my grandpa’s condition but that’s the only thing they knew. My feelings,
my emotions, I kept to myself. Maybe because I had no one around me who’d
understand what I was feeling or going through without expressing it through
words.
To overcome the above plethora of emotions, I started indulging
myself hugely into my internship and kept myself busy all through the day. I
woke up, went to the office, came back, inquired about grandpa’s condition and
then slept as I was too tired.
Being busy proved to be a real good way to be away from my real
self.
Several times, I went for long walks and stared through things for
hours. I never knew the reason behind but I could see things falling apart and
everything going out of hand, pretty much like the sand oozes out of our hand
the more you try to hold it.
***
25th August, 2012
My birthday since 4-5 years hadn’t come good. One thing or the
other had spoilt my birthday. Once, I fought with my best friend around my
birthday and since then every year, something or the other happened and we
never celebrated my birthday together. This year also, she wasn’t present when
I needed her the most. Another year, my result screwed it up. Then sometimes, I
was lying on my bed being operated and etc. etc. I had kinda lost all the
excitement people of my age had in birthdays.
I followed a usual routine of not picking any calls at the
midnight although I badly wanted to pick my grandpa’s call that night. Sadly,
he never called and the whole day went like a normal one and I realized
something I never had.
The normal life we lead is a gift in disguise. When you lay all
day around your mom making heart-to-heart conversations, that’s a gift. When
you have your whole family sitting together for dinner with some usual
chit-chat, that’s a gift. Spending time forgetting all your worries is a
beautiful gift. I was satisfied all throughout the day as I got what I wanted,
some peace of mind and obviously my mother returned for a week just to meet me
and refresh herself.
The only regret I had on this birthday was that he did not wish me
but somehow I knew that he blessed me with all his heart.
***
29th November, 2012
You know why people change? They change when they realize that
their present self is neither working out with their screwed up life nor with
the people they thought were theirs. Maybe this change which makes you think
before doing anything, which makes you cold towards issues you'd have thought
about previously and makes you look at things which you’d have ignored before
is called growing up. Sigh!
I was experiencing a change in myself during
these days. I had stopped talking to anyone. As if I had any to talk my
heart to. I had stopped going out with anyone apart from some official
programs and an old friend sometimes. I had indulged myself so much in work
that I had no time left for anything else. Even other complaints or any issues
of my friends felt like a complete waste of time. I was cold towards everything
else.
I used to spend time with my Mom whenever she
used to come to Delhi to be with us and when she was away I felt like a
loner. I felt pretty much like my Grandpa. Fighting with myself, fighting with
the world.
5 months had passed since he was lying on that bed. He was shifted to his place
around Diwali as the doctors said that he could survive on oxygen cylinders and
there was no better care in the hospital than in his home. My maternal uncle
and a compounder gave him a sponge-bath every morning and then some liquids during
the day and he would just lie there breathing but since last month or so his
bed-sores had gone from bad to worse and as per my uncle told his body was
being eaten up by the bacteria and there was no remedy for this.
***
2nd December, 2012
"I think he should go now. We have tried everything from
priests to doctors to astrologers to god but nothing has been achieved. He is
bearing too much pain Abhi since the last 6 months and I can't see him this
way. I just hope he speaks once before he goes as we all know he has something
in his heart." My Mom cried when she said those words to me and
I consoled her. I know how strong she'd been all throughout this. Her heart was
reflected in those tears and her mind in those words. I can't even express how
much the situation has worsen when a daughter wishes her dad to go.
The very next morning we got a call from my Uncle that Nanu's
pulse has dropped drastically and he might be gone any moment. We rushed to
Jaipur and till the time we reached all was well. All through the journey we
were worried and silent but after reaching there we heaved a sigh of relief.
The doctor told us he had recovered again and is doing fine now. We all met him
and smiled.
The next day was my
brother's birthday and my grandma made some delicious food to treat him right.
We had some chit-chat and played some cards with the whole family before
leaving for Delhi around 5 in the evening.
I bade a goodbye to
Grandpa again and left. I never knew he was bidding his final goodbye. Just
before I left his room I saw his finger flicker a bit. I ignored it then but
now I feel that it might be an indication to stop me.
***
The Final Phone Call:
Around 11:30 in the night, I was taking a turn into my lane when
my Dad's phone rang. I thought Mom must have called to inquire about us
reaching safely but she had some other news to give us.
Dad picked up the phone and instantly I could hear my mom's cries
from the other end. I got dead scared. The only words she uttered were "Bauji
nahi rahe..." and my dad could just tell her to stay strong.
I turned the car right away and we travelled back. We all cried a
bit and talked about how a great life ended. He was a legend to me. I realized
how much he meant to me. I pictured all our memories as I drove. Our biggest
problem is that we don't express our feelings to our loved one's when they are
with us and deeply regret the same when they are gone. I know he understood but
I always wanted to tell him how much he had always meant to me.
We reached there the next morning and I held my mother and grandma
and hugged them tight. Everyone was crying and I felt very disturbed and
saddened.
***
A few hours later...
His body was brought out of the room where he breathed his last
after cleansing his body with the holy water of the Ganges and was straight
away laid into the wooden carrier.
No matter how rich or poor you are, you'll travel in this wooden
cart only which explains the words - WE COME ALONE. WE GO ALONE!
Meanwhile, my maternal uncles had to shave off their hair and
become bald.
When they laid him there and everyone was allowed to see him, I
went near and slowly caressed his face. He looked as if he'd just wake up and
ask for a game of cards. A tear dropped and then two and then my lava of
emotions erupted through my tears. I held him for the last time and cried for
eternity.
On the other side my mom and my uncles and my massi cried. The
house that always had sounds of laughter were enveloped in the shadows of cries
and pain.
Moreover, my grandma was brought there and as she cried, her
bangles were broken on Nanu’s corpse. One ritual I completely hated.
After a while we left for the cremation grounds with me holding
one of the four ends.
***
The Last Journey...
I held one of the ends as we headed towards
the cremation ground. While I walked holding him, I felt it similar
to the day he must've held me when I was born. I felt numb to all the traffic,
the people who were around me. I remembered when I held his hand and started to
walk...When he became the horse for me...When we played cricket together...When
we shared our stories...When we discussed our girlfriends...When we played
cards...When he fell ill...When he went to the hospital...When he laid
still...When he died... And when he made me learn lessons for life and the most
important he made me learn while he went to god's own land.
***
The soul lives on, the body dies...
We laid him on one of those areas in the cremation ground. A
couple of helpers there started setting the fire-bed with those wooden logs as
the priest began his rites.
All through this while I caressed his face. Calm. Composed. It had
been a while I had seen him this way. Looking at him, the heart cried. The mind
consoled. The mind consoled. The heart cried.
After a while, we lifted him and laid him on the bed of fire. Ghee
was rubbed all over his body and finally he was set to fire.
I stood there and cried in silence and slowly his body turned to
ashes. Amidst that fire, I saw a life living, a body dying. A man living, his breath
dying. The love living, the relationship dying. The lessons living, the talks
dying. A part of him living, a part of me dying. The memories living, living
forever.....
***
He went away and I know he went for the good. He finally was
relieved of all the pain and he rested in peace. But while all this happened, I
learnt a lot of things. Probably, Death can teach you much more than life ever
can. I learnt that this life is a lie whereas death is the ultimate truth.
These cars, this money, these chicks, those flicks, this whole world is just an
illusion. In the end, you'll leave all this and go. All you're gonna leave
behind is some emotions, some memories and most importantly a part of you in
your loved ones. So, we need to make the most of it. Life is too short to
regret. We need to apologize if we feel we are wrong. We need to make up to
people we feel we love and need. We need to make our loved ones feel loved and
cared for. We need to smile, laugh, cry, learn, yearn, party, be happy, make
others happy, love, be loved, care and do all those things we always want to.
We need to drop down the false walls of ego, jealousy, hatred, etc. coz these
things are not gonna stay. We need to let all this go. And all this is
just because when we lie on that bed of fire, we shouldn't have some
unspoken words beneath us which hurt more than our words ever could. When we
leave, we leave with a feeling of living a good life. A Goodlife!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die.
-Leonardo da Vinci
