THE FIRST BREAKUP.!!

"I can't say that love changes or not. But yes, people do change a lot because of that. Sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad and sometimes for the worse. And this change, whenever it occurs, never allows the person to be the same as before."

***

While clearing out my drawer the other day, I found a crumbled piece of paper hidden in one of its corners. Normally, I would have just picked it up and thrown it away but it caught my attention somehow. I slowly opened and realized it had a short poem written on it. The moment I was through it, I realized what it was. It was a poem written by my good school friend Vanika on the day of her breakup. Her first breakup. I clearly remember her first break up and I still get goosebumps when I imagine her in that state. That was the moment after which she grew up and I dint like that at all. I always liked her as the kid she was.

Vanika was one of my good friends during schooldays. She had a childlike face, big round eyes which radiated innocence and very kiddish smile. In short, Vanika was a happy go lucky girl until this day.

We were never the best of friends but shared our issues regarding love, life, friendship, etc. We somehow understood each other’s point of view and shared the same intellectual level.

Whenever we discussed relationships though, we always differed on our views. I always felt that love, relationship and that feeling of togetherness was something you should always experience. It was something beyond age, distance, etc.

On the other hand, she felt that all that required an age and she’ll never fall in love with a guy. I personally thought it was mostly because of the conservative environment of her family.

But she did fall in love. Kabir did that to her. He made her feel like she was the one and she gladly agreed. She eventually fell for him and they were the cutest couple our school had ever seen.

Everything went on great for an year but then Vanika committed a mistake and everything was over.

January 31, 2010:

It was our farewell from our school and Vanika was nowhere to be found. I heard she broke up with Kabir a week back but never really got into the things as I understood that this was something really bad and she needed time to get over this.

I searched for her everywhere but couldn’t find her. And then it struck me, where she was. I ran towards the terrace of our school. We always conversed there whenever we both felt low. I heaved a sigh of relief as I saw her. Draped in a red Saree with a black overcoat and a cigarette in her hand, she looked stunning. I went near her.

I noticed that her kohl was smudged and her cheeks were wet from the tears she had recently shed. She held a piece of paper in her hand. I took it from her hand and started reading it.

He was the only friend and lover…

Who flowed in me like blood and air…

He was my love, he was my need…

Infact he was the only person in my life indeed

Goodddd! I can’t forget his love and care,

His hands through my hair…

The colour of his skin, the refreshing smell of his odour,

I bet he was the finest piece of god, the creator

I always believed we made a perfect pair,

But somehow our destinies were not that fair…

I realised, then cried and apologised a million times…

But he always assured, that my deed was not a mistake, It was a crime…

Haunted by memories of his love and care,

I just hoped our split was a nightmare…

Chatted with friends and chanted for hours,

Just to mend my broken heart…

Then something happened which i never expected…

He found another girl whom he readily accepted…

No one understands how it feels,

It’s a feeling which neither god nor any medicine can heal…

I gasped for air, My heart pinched…

Eyes had swollen, throat had burned...

My heart cried the sounds which he never heard..

Yes! I was alive but not living,

Coz somewhere in my heart he was still wandering…

I am still standing where he unclasped my hand…

Dejected in the dark, here i stand…

May be I’ll fall without him is my fear,

Or I hope he'll come back to wipe my tear…

Holding my hand he'll take me along,

This is the moment for which i long…

I felt really bad for her. I just put my arm on her shoulder and told her that I am there for her. She accepted my embrace, hugged me and started crying again. For a while we just stood there.

Then I consoled her and we went back to join the remaining farewell party.

But something after that day changed. The innocence in her eyes was gone. The free kiddish smile was gone. The childlike face was covered by a veil of maturity now. She changed. She grew up.

***

Smiling at that moment right now, I suddenly miss my old friend. But I guess, that’s what the first break up does to most of us. It hits you and changes you to an extent you never expected yourself to change. Such is life!

A PART OF ME - II

In continuation to - http://abhishek-theunspokenwords.blogspot.in/2013/06/a-part-of-me-ii.html

***

A Girl's Diary:

THE DAY I MET HIM

It was a cloudy morning yesterday and I had completed a month of stalking this guy. Yes, I was actually stalking him. I now knew all his basic routines, his favorite cigarettes, his only friend - scotch, places he usually went, people(well he had none) he dint talk to, basically everything. I wanted to talk to him for once. Just be friends with him for once but I had got no chance up till now. There was not a single way to get through him. He did not go to parties, he didn't attend any cultural activities, he did not have any friends, I had hardly seen him chatting on phone. So, the only option I got was to walk up straight to him and have a word. I knew this wasn't going to be easy but something in me believed that I know him somehow. I will tackle it. Something in me felt it was right. There was something so appealing about him that was pulling me towards it. He was like gravity, I had no control over myself.

I went upto his lone hangout zone yesterday. He usually sat amidst the rocks near the graveyard in the cantonment area with a bottle of Chivas and a packet of Benson. Nothing else around him. He just used to drink, smoke and stare at the forests around him. He was half a bottle down when I reached there. Dressed in a black shirt and blue jeans, he looked hot. The usual stubble, red shot eyes and that blank face could actually get me an orgasm anyday.

Hesitantly with a belief in my heart, I walked towards him. 

"Hi" I said.

He gave me a weird look and then gulped another sip of his drink.

"Why are you here?" He asked in his low baritone voice. 

"You know me?" I asked as I was a bit taken aback by his question.

"Do you think I don't get to know who's stalking me?" He replied looking straight into my eyes.

I felt embarrassed. This guy was smart. "Tell me what do you want?" He asked taking a drag and started staring at those forests again.

"I...um, want nothing. May I sit?" I blabbered.

"Neither do I own this area nor do I own your ass. Feel free." He replied rudely. Very rudely.

We both sat there in silence. He kept drinking and smoking. He was completely non-existent to my being as I lovingly observed him. His eyes tickled my heart every now and then. He was pretty much like the dark tunnel which led to a path which wasn't travelled in a long while. I was ready to take this path. 

The clouds were roaring above and the rain gods would be coming down any moment. 

I finally breathed a sigh and tried initiating a conversation. "It might rain any moment. I think we should leave."

He replied, "Neither do you own this place nor my ass, so, I'll prefer to sit."

I was a bit pinched by this rude response again. He sensed it and apologized immediately.

"I am sorry. I don't really know how to talk anymore. It'd be better if you stay away from me. It's been a while..." and he sighed and stopped speaking. His eyes were pretty generous when he spoke.

It started raining at that very moment. He looked above as the raindrops drenched us.

After about half an hour of noticing him, I spoke, looking straight into his eyes, "The fire burning inside you cannot be calmed down by the water." 

He looked a bit taken aback by my words.
"Hmm, till the time I don't get to know what'll work, I'll prefer the Chivas along with the raindrops."

"Why are you this way?" I asked. The conversation was a li'l smoother now. I had somewhere struck a chord inside him.

"Why should I tell you?" He replied staring towards the dark sky.

"Maybe because the water you need to calm that fire comes through me." I don't know how those words escaped my mouth. Maybe his sexy eyes had done the trick along with the Chivas I sipped in.

His face was still expression less. He just smiled a bit. The smile which was totally enveloped in sadness. Depression.

"Remember that time when your mum told you not to get attracted to the bad things in life? Just recall that and leave. You're trying to take the path to your own destruction."

"Let me be the judge, boy!" I replied instantly.

He just stared at me. And after a couple of minutes looked away.

"Okay fine. At-least tell me one thing about you that no one knows about you currently. The people around you, your life, your friends, your past. Anything would do." I flashed my cutest possible expression to get that out of him.

"Only because you took so much pain - The people, be it anyone, think that I am cold and I don't feel anything. I am rude and stone-hearted but that's not the thing. I do feel emotions and trust me my eyes still well up with tears and my heart still has its own ups and downs. Its just that I have stopped showing that to this world. I am a loner. No friends, no lovers, no enemies. Just a small amount of haters and I am contented with that. At-least I have someone." And he flashes a sad smile and gets up to leave. I wish I could hug him at that very moment. His eyes just wanted love and nothing else.

"Should I drop you somewhere?" He asked in a courteous tone.

"I wanted to know something I dint knew already. K'nags would do by the way." I replied as I walked past him.


To be continued...

A PART OF ME - I

"Everyone has gone through something in life that has changed them in a way that they could never go back to the person they used to be."

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A GIRL'S DIARY:

He lies down on his bed staring at the walls above. The lights are off, the fans are off and there is not even an inch of any other being around. He doesn't blink much. It seems as if he is trying to read something obscurely written. Suddenly he smiles and then the smile is left halfway between as he returns to his calm demeanour-straight face attitude. Wondering if he’s sick, he might be. I once inquired with him and he admitted he was sick, sick of his life.

I have always had anxiety to look at those dark silent walls. In what he finds comfort seems scary to me. He stays still and keeps staring at the walls as I wander into my thoughts. These thoughts scare me and make me sad.

After days of noticing him, I realize that the walls are nothing but a reflection of him. His inside is pretty much as dark as the walls are. There is not even an inch of light in there. That’s the reason he finds comfort here. It creates an illusion in his mind that he’s not alone whereas he’s carrying the heavy boulder of loneliness in his heart.

I find him interesting unlike others. He’s tall, around 6” in height. He has turned fat because he has gone careless towards himself and towards the world around him. He’s gone non-existent to the world and vice-versa. He hasn't shaved for days or perhaps months I guess and that makes him look sexier, pretty much raw. He has a round face with sharp features and his eyes are like the melody of some untold deep dark secrets. I have always felt an effect of hypnotism whenever I have gazed into those eyes.

With a drink in one hand, a Benson in other he just stares at the walls around him. His calm demeanour is appealing yet scary.

I saw him smile the other day and trust me it was as if a kid just smiled through tears. He smiled for a couple of seconds at a kid’s innocence and that I guess is the only time he has smiled within an year.

The more I think about him, the more I am drawn towards him. It seems as if every cigarette he has smoked, every drink he has had and every word he hasn't uttered are like moments he can't have back. I think he's lost, but I don't think he's coming back.

Few days back, I found this paper which fell from his bag and this has assured me that I am falling for him. I know I might not be right and maybe he turns out to be something else but my heart is willing to take the risk. For everything that I could risk for, I want that guy to truly smile for once. I want him to experience happiness for once. I want him to hold my hand for once. I want to be loved by him because I know if he falls in love with me; it’d be the best love story ever. I trust him and I trust myself and I trust our love.

And yeah, before I go, I hand you this paper…make sure a part of him remains between us.

A PART OF ME...

Smiling at the innocence behind a kid’s smile…
Wondering if it will stay all the while…
I wish it does and he stays happy all the way…
His days are always enlightened by bright sunrays…
My innocence was stolen without my permission…
I was not ready but I was forced into submission…
In that involuntary battle to regain my innocence…
Stays safe a smile, representing a part of me…

Looking at that mother cooking for her kid…
He’s busy playing with his toys, surrounded by them in a grid…
One of them vrooms, one of them growls…
One of them turns, one of them falls…
He cries so lovingly, he screams his lungs out…
Remembering if I could cry that way, I doubt…
In the memory of all the times I wanted to cry…
Solemnly there resides, a part of me…

Moaning in his sleep, he turns from side to side…
Dreaming about his favorite car, with his teddy alongside…
A li’l smile as he drives it shows on his face…
The calmness that eludes me is actually his grace…
Wonder if I could ever dream, ever have that peace of mind…
Lost in his dreams, sleeps a part of me…

Walking ahead I look at that lady…
She’s grown old with age, her smile is bright; skin is shady…
Holding her hand her grandchild walks…
She recites him stories, how joyfully they talk…
Finding him smile with satisfaction and sharing his part…
I look inside me, all those words hidden in my heart…
I smile as I walk away with a tear in my eye…
In that drop of emotion, cries a part of me…

She kisses him sweetly, he kisses her back…
He holds him gently, so much love in their sack…
She falls into his arms; he is her supporting trunk…
He lies down with her, forgetting his life’s junk…
Fondling inside my heart, I see a house devoid of love…
Thoughts of her smile I silently shove…
In those moments of love, I never got to share...
Alone in that devoid house lives a part of me…

They hold him as he grips another fruit…
They bruit a sound, and down to the earth he shoots…
Arms around his waist and laughing at his own self is a friend…
Another one laughs a bit loud as he lends him a hand…
Bonds of friendship stuck together by affection…
Together the friends rise, being each other’s protection…
Staying alone with his wounds, wiping every bruise or blood…
Calmly keeps his self-respect and frowns a part of me…

Look there, I admire the dark forest alongside the lake…
Alone, lonely I travel, the rain starts, my heart breaks…
Opening my arms, I scream, I try to cry…
Too cold, too dark inside, I don’t how? Who? When? Or Why?
I hate myself for the life I lead, the breaths I have…
I sometimes feel I should end it up and disenslave myself…
Even in these tough times, something in me makes me stay…
In this sheer endurance, walks a part of me…

***

TO BE CONTINUED...

IN THE END...IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER.!!

Aalekh Sharma stood at the cliff. Just at the edge of it.

The wind was unlikely calm. The forest beneath was silent. He was 1200 ft. above sea level. It was late evening and no one was around apart from a couple of birds returning to their nests. Serenity and loneliness had engulfed him completely. All he did was staring, staring into the emptiness of the valley. Never before in his life had he felt so much at peace and turmoil at the same time. He looked up at the sky and then stared at the forest beneath him. Slowly and slowly he inched towards the end of the cliff. With every inch he moved forward, he was reminded of a memory of his life. His first steps, his first school, his first love, his first kiss, his first achievement, his first smile, his first heartbreak, his first tryst with loneliness and every memory made him weak.

He wanted peace now. He was badly in need of it and he knew, there’s nothing more peaceful than death.

Embroiled in his plethora of thoughts, he decided to take the final step and end it all.

Just as he lifted his feet of the ground, a voice called out.

“So, my son turned out to be so much like me. A coward.”

He turned around – only to find nobody. He brushed the thought aside and prepared himself for his final move.

“You dint answer your dad, beta.”

He froze and turned around to find his parents sitting on the rock, together and staring at him. He was completely baffled.

“I love you Aalekh!” Garima’s sweet voice echoed from the left.

His mind was stuck amidst all these. He chose to jump. It was his only way of redemption and get what he finally wanted. To be with the people he had loved, all his life.

***

Two weeks ago:

Hey Aalekh! Was planning to watch Iron Man. You game?  Vineet texted Aalekh on a lazy Saturday afternoon.

It was just a matter of few minutes as Aalekh called him up.

“You’re a life saver manh! Mom and Dad are coming to meet me today. I was wondering how to escape their shitty annual lecture.” Aalekh spoke in excitement.

“Well, then you’re treating me.” Vineet replied.

“For sure Bud! See ya at 8” Aalekh spoke as he kept the phone down and started getting ready to meet Garima before his movie time with Vineet.

 Aalekh’s parents separated right after his birth and he was brought up by his grandmother in Shimla. Garima was his neighbor. They both were best of friends since childhood and when Aalekh proposed her on his 18^th birthday, she couldn’t deny. They were always the talk of the town. The perfect couple every youngster envied. They experienced true love from the very start.

Aalekh got ready and cruised his way towards Mall road to pick her favorite chocolates and flowers. He was already running late. They were to meet at Christ Church. Garima prayed for him there every day and he just fell more in love with her at that very moment. For him, his goddess of divinity prayed to her divine god for her love.

He reached the Church 20 minutes later than the decided time and was thinking of various excuses in his mind while walking through the parking lot.

Just as he looked ahead, he noticed a group of people gathered in front of the Church which was unlikely to happen at this hour. He went ahead and approached one of the localites.

“Kya hua? Itni bheed kyun?”

“A car ran over a girl. The girl has been rushed to the hospital. The police have caught hold of the driver. He seems badly drunk.” The man replied.

Fear crept up in Aalekh’s mind as he approached the police. The first thing that came to his mind was Garima.

“Wh..what were the girl’s particulars?” He asked.

“Tum kaun?”  The inspector inquired.

“I am her friend, I suppose. Please tell me so that I can confirm.” He hesitantly asked. The always-optimism part of him still believed she was not the one.

“Nothing has been figured out yet. The only thing we found was this necklace.” The inspector replied showing him a heart shaped necklace with AG engraved on it.

Tears welled up Aalekh’s eyes as he realized that this was the very same necklace he gifted her the day he proposed her. She had worn it every single day after that.

‘Ab se Aalekh ka dil hamesha Garima ke paas rahega’ she used to giggle and repeat that quite often in her super-sweet voice.

“Which hospital have you sent her to? How was her condition?” He cried and spoke to the policemen around.

“She died on the spot Sir. We have sent her body to the City Hospital for post mortem” One of the policemen replied.

He was dumb-stuck. Numb. How easily she was termed as a body.

He started running, running towards the hospital. He had lost complete control over his senses. She was the one who made him whatever he was. She was the reason he had existed for so long. She made him live. She was his breath, his water, his smile, his support. His everything.

While running, memories of him and Garima flashed in front of his eyes. The games they played during childhood, the first time he fought for her with a couple of bullies, the time she became his support for whatever emotional turbulence he faced due to his parents, every day since his birth reminded him of her and every day he had fallen in love with her, a li’l more than yesterday.

Engulfed in his thoughts, a car came in his way and in order to save himself, he fell on the side of the road.

“Get in the car.” Tom uncle shouted

Tom uncle was his driver and stayed with him all through his childhood. He got to know about Garima through the local news.

Aalekh got in the car as they headed towards the hospital.

There was complete silence in the car. All that could be heard was Aalekh silent sobs and Tom uncle’s silent tears.

Abhi abhi pata chala hai k flight no. 4387F jo ki Delhi se Chandigarh aane waali thi, anjaan karano ki wajah se himachal ki pahaadiyo mei crash hogayi hai. Dukh ki baat ye hai k vimaan mei baitha koi bhi vyakti jeevit nahi bacha hai.

The news on the radio caught Tom uncle’s attention.

“Memsahab aur Sahab, kitne baje ki flight se aane waale the?” Tom uncle inquired with Aalekh.

By this time the news had caught Aalekh’s attention too. He heard the information again and his face turned pale. Yellow. He fainted.

Few days later:

Aalekh hadn’t eaten anything since then. His world had come crashing badly. Garima was gone. His parents were gone. He was gone. There was nothing worth living left in his life.

Although he was never attached to his parents much, but he had always loved them, just because he was a part of them. A part of him always wanted to be loved and cared by them. When they died, a part of him died too.

Garima, the love of his life, his everything had died and with her, he had died too. She was pretty much like Aalekh’s soul.

He was silent. Numb. Almost like a walking corpse all through these days.

After completing the funeral ceremonies of all his loved ones, he went upto his room and sat there for two days. Doing nothing but crying.

That’s when he decided he had to die. That would suffice his being and he could finally be free of all this.

He tried slitting his hand at first but he couldn’t do it.

Poison, he couldn’t find.

He finally decided for his favorite cliff. The place where he had dealt with all his sorrows. The place where he and Garima had so many childhood memories. The place where they had their first kiss.

He left for that place. He left, forever.

FOREVER A-PART....

DISCLAIMER ----------------------------------------------------------->

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“Woh raah bhi saath chale the, socha tha saath bhi taa umra hoga…
Woh bichad bhi yun gaye, k raah bhi na mit saki aur phir raaste bhi na kat sake…”

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“Okay fine, I lose, Mr. Writer. Don’t tell me the truth behind those stories of yours; I’ll make sure I get to know them, one day.” Garima screamed in her irritating yet sweet voice over the phone. It was one of our usual late night chat sessions and as always I irritated her on her favorite topic. She was always too curious about the truth behind those short stories of mine and I always used to stay shut on this topic.

“That day is never coming, my friend.” I replied to her. It provided me sheer pleasure to have someone who is so interested behind the truth and fiction of my short stories.

“But still I’d love to read something, something exclusively for me. Something which is like your hidden story or something you’ll never publish.” She responded.

“Ahaa, and why would I do that? What do I get in return?” I cheekily said.

“Hehe! Rightly said – All men are dogs.” She chuckled.

“Naah, dogs are much luckier than us. If you know what I mean.”  I played along.

“You’re so cheap. Tell me, what do you want?”

“Ha-ha, don’t worry. I am not that much of a nympho. Before I tell you this story, I want you to promise me that you won’t inquire about this story much. Neither about the truth behind it nor about the fiction. Neither about the consequences nor about the characters. Okay?”

“Um, okay. I agree. As if I have any option. Huh!” She sounded a bit offended.

“Don’t worry; you’ll understand why I said that. To be brief, this story has no start, no reasons, and no end.” I tried to justify.

“Fine! Mail it to me and let me decide.” She accepted and was back to being a sweetheart like always.

We chatted till the wee hours of the morning and before dozing off she reminded me to mail her the story. Before keeping the phone down I told her something about the story.

“You know, I’ll send you a couple of pages of two idiots’ diaries. I have never understood them but just to provide you a prologue to the story, I’d like to say that it’s an amazing feeling to experience such friendships. To be able to share those literal heartaches, share those butterflies in the stomach, to experience the needlessness of thinking about anything, being your true self and being loved that way and just have some sheer awesome fun. Friendship, sometimes act as the force that guides our lives and motivates our lives to an extent love never can. It’s much more beautiful than the youthful fancies.
Not friends, not enemies, not even acquaintances…All these two will ever be are familiar strangers with some of the most beautiful memories of their lives. He would always remember the ease and comfort she provided him and she would always remember the support he was to her. Their connection was magical which can’t be expressed in words. She would always curse himself, her life and her god for snatching from her the only best friend she had and I guess, he would do the same. What they would never understand is the reason why they departed and that pain, I guess shall pinch them both, a lot. A lot more than I can ever imagine. God bless them both!

The last time I met Vineet, all I remember about him is that his demeanour 

screamed – STAY AWAY!

The last time I met Neha, all I remember about her is that she had matured and grown up – the ugly way.

So, make the most of your time and tell your loved ones you love them just before it’s too late.”

***

Neha’s Diary:

To my best friend and the person who has understood me the best. To the sweetheart that you've always been to me. I miss sharing every minute detail of my life with you. No one will ever be able to replace you. Trust me; life is an awful ugly place not to have a best friend. I can never express in words how much I fucking miss you.

I miss my friend…

The moments rush by in the blink of an eye…

The times spent with you are never gonna die…

It hurts; it kills not to be with you…

I hope you realize someone here is waiting for you…

We might have said goodbye, but our friendship is never gonna end…

I love you; I miss you, my only best friend…

Those times spent with you still make me smile…

The fights shared with you, I am going down the memory aisle…

My school life, I remember, I just can’t imagine without you…

 I thought we’d never fall apart, I never thought we’d screw…

I want those times back; I never meant to offend…

I realize it now, I miss you my friend…


Talking to you was my day’s necessity…

The way you understood me, no one ever did…

This pain inside has got no remedy…

You were the mature one, I was the kid…

I can’t express what I feel in this heart; this emptiness can’t be penned…

Please come back, I really need my friend…

***

***

Vineet’s Diary:

Date: …forever…

Sometimes, things fall apart for no reason and deep down our hearts we know they are never gonna be like before no matter how hard we want it to be. Maybe it’s the sea of unspoken words that separates the two or maybe, their part in each other’s life is over. You know what is the worst feeling in this fucking whole world? It’s knowing that you did the best you could and all that wasn't good enough. 

It was really hard for me to walk away. But even harder when you dint even bother to try and stop me.

Jab bhi inn raaton mein tanha akela rota hun…
Toh tum yaad aate ho...
Jab bhi kisi se bin baat kiye yun sota hun…
Toh tum yaad aate ho

Jab bhi koi pyaar se dekhta hai...
Toh tum yaad aate ho…
Jab bhi koi yun hi alvida kehta hai…
Toh tum yaad aate ho…

Jab bhi koi mere gusse ko na sehta hai…
Toh tum yaad aate ho…
Jab bhi koi aankh se aansu behta hai…
Toh tum yaad aate ho…

Jab bhi koi dosti ka qissa sunaata hun…
Toh tum yaad aate ho…
Jab kuch kehte kehte chup ho jata hun…
Toh tum yaad aate ho…

Jab bhi akele zindagi ki inn raahon pe chalta hun…
Toh tum yaad aate ho…
Jab bhi koi nayi kavita likhta hun…
Toh tum yaad aate ho…

Jab kabhi wo yaadein dil ko sehlaati hain…
Toh tum yaad aate ho…
Jab patthar dil ye duniya kehti hai…
Toh tum yaad aate ho…

Jab kabhi hamari tasveerein padhta hun…
Toh tum yaad aate ho…
Jab bhi khud mein khoya rehta hun...

Toh tum yaad aate ho...

***