A PART OF ME - I

"Everyone has gone through something in life that has changed them in a way that they could never go back to the person they used to be."

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A GIRL'S DIARY:

He lies down on his bed staring at the walls above. The lights are off, the fans are off and there is not even an inch of any other being around. He doesn't blink much. It seems as if he is trying to read something obscurely written. Suddenly he smiles and then the smile is left halfway between as he returns to his calm demeanour-straight face attitude. Wondering if he’s sick, he might be. I once inquired with him and he admitted he was sick, sick of his life.

I have always had anxiety to look at those dark silent walls. In what he finds comfort seems scary to me. He stays still and keeps staring at the walls as I wander into my thoughts. These thoughts scare me and make me sad.

After days of noticing him, I realize that the walls are nothing but a reflection of him. His inside is pretty much as dark as the walls are. There is not even an inch of light in there. That’s the reason he finds comfort here. It creates an illusion in his mind that he’s not alone whereas he’s carrying the heavy boulder of loneliness in his heart.

I find him interesting unlike others. He’s tall, around 6” in height. He has turned fat because he has gone careless towards himself and towards the world around him. He’s gone non-existent to the world and vice-versa. He hasn't shaved for days or perhaps months I guess and that makes him look sexier, pretty much raw. He has a round face with sharp features and his eyes are like the melody of some untold deep dark secrets. I have always felt an effect of hypnotism whenever I have gazed into those eyes.

With a drink in one hand, a Benson in other he just stares at the walls around him. His calm demeanour is appealing yet scary.

I saw him smile the other day and trust me it was as if a kid just smiled through tears. He smiled for a couple of seconds at a kid’s innocence and that I guess is the only time he has smiled within an year.

The more I think about him, the more I am drawn towards him. It seems as if every cigarette he has smoked, every drink he has had and every word he hasn't uttered are like moments he can't have back. I think he's lost, but I don't think he's coming back.

Few days back, I found this paper which fell from his bag and this has assured me that I am falling for him. I know I might not be right and maybe he turns out to be something else but my heart is willing to take the risk. For everything that I could risk for, I want that guy to truly smile for once. I want him to experience happiness for once. I want him to hold my hand for once. I want to be loved by him because I know if he falls in love with me; it’d be the best love story ever. I trust him and I trust myself and I trust our love.

And yeah, before I go, I hand you this paper…make sure a part of him remains between us.

A PART OF ME...

Smiling at the innocence behind a kid’s smile…
Wondering if it will stay all the while…
I wish it does and he stays happy all the way…
His days are always enlightened by bright sunrays…
My innocence was stolen without my permission…
I was not ready but I was forced into submission…
In that involuntary battle to regain my innocence…
Stays safe a smile, representing a part of me…

Looking at that mother cooking for her kid…
He’s busy playing with his toys, surrounded by them in a grid…
One of them vrooms, one of them growls…
One of them turns, one of them falls…
He cries so lovingly, he screams his lungs out…
Remembering if I could cry that way, I doubt…
In the memory of all the times I wanted to cry…
Solemnly there resides, a part of me…

Moaning in his sleep, he turns from side to side…
Dreaming about his favorite car, with his teddy alongside…
A li’l smile as he drives it shows on his face…
The calmness that eludes me is actually his grace…
Wonder if I could ever dream, ever have that peace of mind…
Lost in his dreams, sleeps a part of me…

Walking ahead I look at that lady…
She’s grown old with age, her smile is bright; skin is shady…
Holding her hand her grandchild walks…
She recites him stories, how joyfully they talk…
Finding him smile with satisfaction and sharing his part…
I look inside me, all those words hidden in my heart…
I smile as I walk away with a tear in my eye…
In that drop of emotion, cries a part of me…

She kisses him sweetly, he kisses her back…
He holds him gently, so much love in their sack…
She falls into his arms; he is her supporting trunk…
He lies down with her, forgetting his life’s junk…
Fondling inside my heart, I see a house devoid of love…
Thoughts of her smile I silently shove…
In those moments of love, I never got to share...
Alone in that devoid house lives a part of me…

They hold him as he grips another fruit…
They bruit a sound, and down to the earth he shoots…
Arms around his waist and laughing at his own self is a friend…
Another one laughs a bit loud as he lends him a hand…
Bonds of friendship stuck together by affection…
Together the friends rise, being each other’s protection…
Staying alone with his wounds, wiping every bruise or blood…
Calmly keeps his self-respect and frowns a part of me…

Look there, I admire the dark forest alongside the lake…
Alone, lonely I travel, the rain starts, my heart breaks…
Opening my arms, I scream, I try to cry…
Too cold, too dark inside, I don’t how? Who? When? Or Why?
I hate myself for the life I lead, the breaths I have…
I sometimes feel I should end it up and disenslave myself…
Even in these tough times, something in me makes me stay…
In this sheer endurance, walks a part of me…

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TO BE CONTINUED...