Excerpts From My Diary - The Last Meeting

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The Last Meeting

A careless strand of hair was wandering aimlessly on her face as she leaned dangerously close to the edge of the terrace. An air of sadness had surrounded her which was noticeable from a distance. Her round black eyes looked so silent, dull. It was as if someone had dried the emotions in them. She closed her eyes to release some droplets of water. She let open the bun and allowed the breeze to play with her hair. She wanted to grasp a lot of air to breathe in that moment.

I went to her and held her hand. She never grasped mine, though. She half smiled as she took another drag. That was his cigarette and I remember that smile, that’s the saddest smile I have ever seen.

I dint know what to say, so I chose silence.

A li’l while later, I gathered the courage to speak something up.

“You want to share something?”

She turned towards me and stared blankly at me. Her stare sedated me to numbness. It was like a drug that tranquilized my soul and scared me to death. Her eye contact felt like a conversation of centuries had just come to an end. The tears resting on her cheeks conveyed that they had traveled through her eyes only after tearing her heart apart. Till date, I have never found enough words to convey what her face showed that day but somewhere deep down in my heart, that image has always stayed. That face is one of the reasons I am afraid of love.

..

…

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After a couple of hours, she started walking towards the stairs.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” I asked.

“No. I am never gonna be fucking okay.” She replied with a straight face.

“You do know it wasn’t your fault, right? He was a difficult thing from the very start.” I tried calming her down.

“And who said love was gonna be easy?” She smiled as another tear made way through her eyes.

“Atleast tell me what happened, Garima.” I pleaded.

“No, Vineet. Aarav kept his stories to himself.” She sighed. “And I will always be his story. Always!”

I was rendered speechless. She walked down the stairs towards her house.

***

I couldn’t find Aarav for a couple of months thereafter. He was hibernating somewhere no one knew about. I never got to know much about their last meeting even after I met him though. But I read the last page of his diary once which read.

‘Abandoning her, he walked away silently but his silence was loud enough to turn her deaf towards life, perhaps forever.’

And that I think was enough to understand the whole scenario.

Somehow, in my heart, I knew he was in love with Garima, too. He was just unaware of this fact.

On the other hand, she never spoke about him but she thought of him every night because somewhere in the dark alleys of her heart, he was very much alive. The memories where they had shared a laugh, or when he granted her a long beary hug, or even a soft peck on her forehead was still very much fresh in her mind. His voice still echoed in the deep crevices of her mind. His favourite cigarette and alcohol was hers now, every night. She could never let him go.

I could see all this in the way she behaved, the way she led her life. She had Aarav written all over her.

Although, she had a sparkling smile put on her lips but her eyes always carried a bleak shadow of suffering. Pain. And those eyes always made me wonder whether it was a wrong decision to let her go on that path of loving Aarav, the writer friend. Had I been a good friend? But I whenever I met Aarav, I saw similar scars beneath his mask. Trust me; they were no different than Garima’s.

Aarav stopped meeting any new person from that day. He immersed himself in his office work and alcohol thereafter. He went non-existent to the world around him.

Whenever I saw them, I knew they had to be together. Garima had always been Aarav’s but off late Aarav was all about Garima, too. They were the only ones who could complete each other.

But, sadly, life has its own ways and they never met thereafter…,

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...

Until one day.…

Excerpts From My Diary #12 - I Walk Away

I was in a completely foul mood today. I had immensely screwed up with my best friend and I thought it was over. Our bond of friendship of over 10 years was over. I was so dismantled inside that I had no idea what was going on around me. I badly needed someone to hold me, to keep me from falling.

I went to the best possible option I had. Vineet's writer friend.

I ran to his terrace which was pretty much our terrace now. He was roaming around with a Benson in his hand. He was probably getting ready for his usual drinking session. I stopped and took a second to admire him. ‘Manh! He actually diverted my mind so easily’, I thought to myself.

I went up to him and I hugged him tight. Tight enough as if I wanted to squeeze a part of me out of him. He just acknowledged the same as he patted my shoulder and asked, "What happened, Garima?"

His husky baritone voice had a magical effect on me. Half of the anxiety was gone by the way he looked into my eyes.

I held my tears back and replied, "Why do people leave? Why do they walk out of our lives as if we were nothing to them?"

"Because you allow them to." He answered back with a confused expression on his face.

I raised my brows. I actually didn't get what he meant.

“Please elaborate!”

He continued as he walked towards the edge of the terrace, "See, everyone you meet in this life will leave some day or the other. There's no such thing as forever. Growing apart is bound to happen. Either through life’s uncalled circumstances or death.

Now the only way to save yourself from that is to leave before they do. That's what I do.”

More than my redemption, I was more interested in listening to him now. I was anyways overreacting. I had several bigger fights with my best friend and we always made up.

“You do? How?” I asked stepping towards him.

“As soon as I realize that the people around me are getting to know a li’l bit about me, my past or my story, I WALK AWAY. I do that even when I realize that I am getting used to people.

Without any question & answers, without any truth or lies, I walk away. Simply because I know that I won't be able to take the fact that they left me. That way I fail god's trick to hurt me." He ends with a smile. A sad one though.

I take two minutes to absorb that.

"But you won't leave me ever. Will you?" I ask like a kid.

He doesn't reply for a while.

“I’ll always be there when you need me.” He mentions as we stare into the horizon. There was nothing more left to say but I had another fear by the end of the conversation and this time I wasn’t over reacting.

***

Excerpts From My Diary #11 - I Cannot Cry!

He sat on the edge of the terrace. The clock had just struck midnight. Winter rains had engulfed Delhi completely. It was pouring from above but he sat there without even noticing it. Cigarettes and Alcohol were nowhere around for a reason. A relative of his had passed away a day before.

I went and sat beside him. He took notice and stood up.

“Lets go inside. The rains might make you sick” He said with a straight face. No sign of any expression. But I smiled. He had started caring.

“Are you okay?” I asked

“Yep!” Another short and curt reply.

We went inside and sat on the chairs. Complete silence. The only thing one could hear was the sound of the raindrops.

He looked expressionless. Lost. Even though I had seen this expression previously, there was something different this day.

I bent forward and held his hand. I looked straight into his eyes and said, “You can cry if you want to. It will make you feel better.”

A sad smile appeared on his face. He heaved a sigh, looked back straight into my eyes and spoke in his baritone voice.

“You know, sometimes a person reaches a place in life wherein he cannot cry. No matter how hard he tries, no matter how much his heart yearns for it, no matter how much his emotions crave for it. He just cannot. He cannot release these emotions in the form of those water droplets. And that’s not because he doesn’t want to. It’s because his emotions have been trapped for so long that escape is not an option now.

I am one of those. Death still depresses me and I feel really sad but then I cannot be free by letting it out. I store them in the secret room of my heart.”

His eyes completely showed what his heart felt. I had never seen the genuine emotions pouring through someones eyes like that.

He continued, “ And this is the only thing I am scared of. To live my remaining life all through the way I have been living right now.”

I went and hugged him tight. Sadly, he didn’t hug back. He just told me that he needed some time and went downstairs.

***

Excerpts From My Diary #10 - Few Steps To Love

The other day, we were just sitting and sipping coffee in my room. It was unusual as I hardly remember talking to him when he is in his senses.

He was in a good mood and so was I. We were just chit chatting about life, our experiences and all. Every word he spoke, every expression he made was just so admirable.

Taking the conversation further, I tried one of my girly tricks of making him jealous. I started discussing a couple of guys with him, and our flirtatious chats and all. He was listening seriously at first but started smiling after a while. That smile which told me that he had got my intentions.

He took a sip of his coffee and looked straight into my eyes, “You think this will work on me?”

“No idea, but atleast I tried.” I replied a smile.

He smiled and continued, “I am different, Garima. Making me jealous will only push me away from you. It won't make me want you more.

That is how it has been in the past and I don’t see it changing either.

I'm not very competitive, if I see someone who's making you a lot happier than I am, I'll back out because I'll assume you want that person a lot more. What will matter to me is the happiness of the person who matters to me.

Although it'll hurt seeing someone other than me make you happy, but I’ll walk away with a sense of satisfaction that you are happy.

I don't like the feeling of being unwanted or being the second best person in your life in whatever sense you take me. I'm a very jealous person and I seriously believe that my people should always get the best possible things in life. Whether that includes me or not.”

My heart was filled with glee as I stood up and sat on one knee with one of my hands resting on his leg.

“And that’s what makes you the best for your people, boy!”

We were locked in that moment. We knew we had initiated a journey we both were unknowingly excited about.

***

Excerpts From My Diary #9 - The Biggest Regret

I rushed through the stairs to finally enjoy my favourite hours of the day. It had almost been my routine for over 2 months wherein every evening, I went to his terrace and just spent time with him. To be honest, everyday with him had been altogether a different experience for me. Somedays he had forced me to introspect about myself, about my faults and then somedays I felt like I was the only girl in the world. Somedays he has made me fall in love with him and then somedays he had made me hate him to the core.

It’s almost as if he is a magician and I am this awestruck kid. I have just been swaying and enjoying to whatever he has showed me.

Finally I reached at the top.

There he was sitting in his black hoodie along with his favourite companions – The Cigarette and Alcohol.

As I went ahead, I smiled and said a ‘Hi’. He acknowledged with a nod and a short smile.

I noticed something in his eyes today. They were a mix of red and yellow and they were all watery. As he glanced at me, he looked sexy. Very sexy. Pretty much like the vampire of my dreams. I so wished I could kiss him at that very moment. I looked a little towards his cigarette and was shocked to know the reason for his bloodshot eyes. 

He was smoking a joint. It was all the ‘Marijuana’ effect that had taken over him.

“You’re smoking weed?” I asked

“Why are you asking when you know?” He replied in a sarcastic tone.

“That’s not good for you.” I replied in a concerned tone.

“If you look at it that way, Garima, then even breathing is not good for me. Coz everytime I breath, I am reducing the leftover life span I have.” He replied with a half-hearted laugh.

As soon as I heard his reply, I knew he was in his depressing state today and I could try knowing about his life, a lil bit. Marijuana had totally shut off his mind so it was only his heart that could do the talking.

I thought of changing the topic and initiated, “This year is coming to an end. I have had a great year. Different experiences and an interesting journey. I want 2014 to be more of like that. What do you want the next year to be?” I blabbered with a smile. I just wanted to indulge him into this conversation.

He replied after taking a couple of deep breaths, “All I want 2014 to be is the opposite of 2013.”

“Why?”

“Because 2013 was too much to handle. I don’t want to take any of that shit anymore.”

“But those experiences must have taught you something na? Aren’t you grateful for that?”

“Grateful? Hah! I was better without learning all of that stuff.”

“Please elaborate.”

He looked straight into my eyes. And for the first time, I looked straight back into his. I guess this triggered him further.

“To be honest, Garima, I am tired of merely existing. I am tired of all these experiences life has been throwing at me. I am tired of learning and growing up all the time. I want to live for a while.”

I could see his eyes welling up and his throat choking a bit.

“Life is not life anymore, Garima. There is something missing in my laughter, in my cries, in my ambition, in everything I do.

I never feel the happiness when I laugh or the sadness when I cry. It seems as if I only exist.

Like I am just passing time and waiting for something worthwhile to come into my life and make me realize that all of this is just a nightmare. Just a fucking nightmare.” His volume was rising.

I realized it was his true self talking today. He seemed like just another normal guy who had just been through a lot of stuff. I tried getting behind the reason for all this.

“Hmm, what is your biggest regret? I know, there’s something you regret that kills you all the more from inside.” I continued

He went expressionless. It was as if I had asked him something that replayed all the important people of his life in front of him. He went silent but I could see his life was being played in front of his eyes. He poured some alcohol into his glass and gulped it. He made another large drink and went to the edge of the terrace.

“My biggest regret….My biggest regret is that I have never been good enough for people who have meant the world to me.” He spoke in a very husky voice. Tears were upto the brim meeting his eyelashes everytime he blinked.

“This is what kills me Garima. All the time. I have never been good enough for the people who have been so important in my life. The people for whom I would have easily taken a bullet for.

I was never ever good enough for them. Not even that good that they would have helped me through my tough times. Not even that good that they would have provided me the strength when I had a great fall. Not even that good that they would have fought for me to stay in their lives when I started walking away.

It really shatters every ounce of you when you know that the best you had wasn’t good enough.”

With every word he spoke, the angst and frustration in his voice increased. And by the end of it, he had crushed the glass in his hand to pieces. His hand was bleeding. I stood up and thought of having a look at it but he stopped me by showing his hand. He continued.

“And the worst thing about this kind of prejudice is that you feel destroyed and angry with yourself. That gives rise to self-doubt and you know you’ll never be good enough. Not for anyone. Not for yourself.

And that’s only because the people who saw and relished your naked soul, your true feelings, your ultimate being…left you.”

The tears finally flow from his eyes as I get up and hug him from behind. I started feeling his pain much more than him himself. More than his words, his eyes told me his story. There was so much pain in them with a tinge of innocence that I was just swept away in the waves of sadness. In the waves of him.

***

Excerpts From My Diary #8 - Hatred Over Love, Anyday!

“Is that how you walk with a girl?” Garima asked him with a smile. She was just glad that he had agreed to walk around the park with her. And he was just looking at the blocks and walking with his head down.

Wearing a black overcoat over his black shirt, his two weeks old stubble, and that inexplicable emotion in his eyes, he looked so desirable. Atleast to me. and his I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude he walked blankly. Nothing on his face. Nothing on his mind. He was hardly aware of the fact that I was there with him.

“I am sorry. I haven’t walked around with girls much. I don’t know what to do actually.” He replied in a polite manner.

“You just need to talk.”

“Hahh! Now that is a task, I believe. I’d prefer listening.” He replied with a short smile.

I loved this short smile of his. A lil curve of his lips and he could take your heart away.

“And that’s what we always do, right? Talk about me.” She replied faking her anger.

As he was about to reply, his phone beeped. This is one thing I had always noticed about him, his phone hardly rang and he was never stuck on his phone. Either he had no interest in his people or he had none.

He smiled at his cell-phone and kept it in his pocket.

“What happened?” I inquired.

“Nothing. An office colleague just told me that she hates me.” He replied with a smile.

“And you’re smiling at that? I mean, why does she hate you?” I raised my voice, a bit.

“Yes, I like people who hate me and I don’t need to know the reason. I am just contented that she does.”

“This can’t be a secret, right? You can tell me the reason behind this.”

“Sure, I can. See, I like people who hate me for several reasons. First of all, I’d never expect anything from people who hate me and neither will they. You don’t owe them anything. Its opposite with the people whom you love.

Further, the people who hate me will never forget me. I’ll always cross their mind. The people who told me they loved me already have. And that’s why I am not comfortable when people tell me that they love/like me. I know they are lying now and they will leave someday. On the other hand, people who hate me shall always be with me. Trust me, as far as I have known, Hate is a much better emotion that love is.” He spoke while remembering all the people whom he had loved and who had sworn to stay by him, forever.

“I see, one of the reasons why people cling on to their love so stubbornly is because they know, once it’s gone, All you’ll be left with is pain. And that is why I try to envelope myself in hatred. I somehow feel secure there.” And he smiled with so much sadness in his eyes.

I just kept walking. I had nothing to say.

***

Excerpts From My Diary #7 - First Love Stays Forever

“How come are you so quiet today, Garima?” He asked with a slight smile on his face.

The words sunk in slowly. He actually took notice of me. A part of me just jumped out of joy. Still, I kept silent. I was actually a bit disturbed because of one of my past relationships. And I also wanted him to inquire a bit more.

“Try sharing, I might help. I have not been good in handling my life but I am great in advising on such issues.” He chuckled a bit.

I felt a bit comfortable now. He was chatting just like a friend. I liked this side of him. He somehow talked me into sharing stuff with him.

“Why is it so that our first love never really goes away? Why can’t we just get over it? I mean we get over many relationships, friendships, crushes, flings, etc. but that first love, dude, I hate it. It never really goes out of your heart.” I spoke all my frustration out. I was so irritated at being so helpless in front of my first love, everytime.

He smiled. I could see he had an answer for that. He stood up, went to the edge of the terrace and started speaking.

“You got to understand one thing, Garima. Our first love is the one that sticks with us because he or she is the only person who will ever receive all of you. You in your most natural form. After that, you learn better. But most of all, no matter what, a part of you shall remain behind forever in the heart of the one you loved – a part no future lover could ever get, no matter what. A part of him/her shall always live with you, too.

That part holds innocence – the belief that love really could last forever. It holds friendship and pain, trial and error, that one kiss you’ll never forget and that night under the stars that you can never get back. It holds youth and everything you thought love could be.

Everything that was proven wrong.” He finished with a sigh.

I was totally awestruck. He just spelled it so perfectly. I felt contented. I felt at peace.

I so knew I was in love with him.

***

Excerpts From My Diary #6 - The One Where He Breaks Down

It was a chilly Saturday night. The usual ones you’d find in the December of Delhi wherein the cold weather sets in and everyone whiles away their time under their quilts. I was on my way to his terrace, where he’d probably be sitting with a Benson in one hand and a glass of JD in another. I was madly in love with Vineet’s writer friend. We knew nothing about each other but somehow I felt so connected to him, I felt so much passion for him, it was as if I had known him forever.

As I approached the terrace gate, I heard some gazals being played. He loved Jagjit Singh and he heard him everytime he was depressed.

“Kabhi khamosh baithoge, Kabhi kuch gungunaaoge…
Main utna yaad aaunga, mujhe jitna bhulaooge..
Koi jab pooch baithega, khaamoshi ka sabab tumse…
Bahut samjhana chahoge magar samjha naa paaoge…”

That was his favourite gazal and I somehow knew that he was not in a good state of mind. I tried peeping through the window and saw his face.

His eyes were bloodshot red. His hairs were in a mess. A couple of tears rested on his cheeks. He was crying but there was no sense of emotion on his face. It was like tears were flowing through his eyes but his face was expressionless. He was pouring scotch time and again and gulping it neat and the cigarettes he smoked were increasing as well. He was in a bad state. Infact the worst one. I knew he’d break someday but I never knew it would look this bad. My heart went out to him but I decided against consoling him. I wanted his emotions to flow.

Meanwhile, I saw a couple of crumbled pieces of paper near him and they flew with the course of wind. Luckily they settled near the door and I picked them up. I couldn’t help but cry after this. I wish I could be with him.

“Sometimes, you don’t know the reason behind the things you do.
You don’t know why you hold on.
You don’t know why you can’t let go.
You don’t know why you love those memories so much.
The scars of your heart remind you of the places you’ve been.
You are reminded of the memories that break you yet make you.
The love that tears you apart but still holds you together.
The friendship that left you alone but still has been with you all the way long.
The affection and care that you don’t deserve yet desire.
And then these songs, which tell you everything you’re afraid to say.
Some days I break and the calm storm inside me erupts. The emotional change is so drastic that I feel numb. I am breaking down and I feel scared as hell.
There are somethings which don’t have a reason.”

***

Excerpts From My Diary #5 - I Wish I Would Die!

“What if I tell you I had a dream last night? The dream I’d like to live very soon.” He spoke in his slurred voice. He had consumed over half of a bottle of Chivas and he was in his own imaginary world now.

Garima obviously hated his drinking habits but she dint stop him much coz he felt very light after getting drunk and moreover he’d talk about something. Even though how weird it may sound.

“Please do. What was your dream about?” The excitement level in Garima’s voice increased suddenly. She was so eager to know something about him.

“I had a dream of my death. Of being free. Of finally leaving.” He flashed a satisfied smile.

Garima’s smile vanished but her curiosity remained. “Go on!”

“I was at an isolated place. Sort of a cliff and there was no sign of anyone near me. Somehow my heart knew it was time to go. I felt the saddest I ever had.

Pages of my life’s book flipped back with a fluttery sound. Everything came crashing down and I could hardly breathe. The burden of the memories, the love, the friendship, the mistakes, the experiences was so hard to handle. A thousand faces flashed in front of my eyes, and I felt so asphyxiated. This is it, I was letting go of everything that my heart had hold onto, and I was dying in the world of unknown where I leave no trace behind.

The acceptance acted as my solace and my inner voice felt like a blessing. It had been years since I had heard my inner voice, my soul. And now it was dying to be free. I unclasped myself from them and buried the memories in the deepest part of my heart. With a deep breath, I finally took off. I jumped from the cliff.

Like a star I shone for quite a long time as I left many faces with smile. Though, I won't be a part of the celestial henceforth and I won't carry any regrets. I will shine brightly for one last time like a falling star, I will make them wish on me. And for one last time, I’ll fulfil all their wishes so that they’d remember me for something good. My reflection will swarm across their wishing eyes, And I shall die in the infinite darkness as peaceful as it could be.”

He gulped the remaining bit of the whisky as tears fell from her eyes. She wanted to hug him so very tight and wanted to free himself from this pain but she couldn’t handle herself. She ran away and he passed off after a while.

***

Excerpts From My Diary #4 - All He Needs Is Love!

"I fail to understand this guy. He''s rude, he's mysterious and he is not at all into me whereas for some unknown reason I fall for him everytime I see him" Garima cribbed and blurted in a irritating tone.

She was into this writer friend of mine.

I was silent.

"Why don't you speak Vineet? Help me through this" She asked again.

I looked at her and in deep thoughts tried explaining her.

"Listen to me calmly and try to understand."

I held her hand and looked deep into her eyes as I spoke, "Writers are emotionally damaged people. Even though they have a way with words, they still cannot easily express what all they feel. There's too much inside to express. He might seem a normal guy but there's a lot going inside him. To understand a writer, you need to be with him, you need to feel him, you need to breathe him, you need to fall madly in love with him. Artists are not normal people. They have these extreme emotions which they have no control over. That is why they are free and uncontrollable."

She heard with all her concentration and then spoke in her cutest voice possible, "And what if he doesn't love me back?"

I smiled and replied, "If you're able to do this, he'll love you with all he has, with his life and trust me, you'll never be loved the way he'll love you."

She smiled and I knew she loved him. I started walking towards our car realizing how tough it was gonna be for her.

***

Excerpts From My Diary #3 - Pushing Her Away

"That day we were sitting on his terrace and he was sharing a little incident from his professional life." Garima was narrating another incident from her encounters with my writer friend.

"A girl liked him way too much and was so close to being good friends with him but he let her go. The way he reacted would let anyone go." She spoke her frustration out. She so badly wanted my friend to be happy.

"But you know what made me fall in love with him even more, Vineet?" She asked with love filled passionate eyes.

"What?" I inquired. I actually liked how she behaved when she talked about her selfless love for him.

"At the end of the conversation I asked him - Aren't you afraid to lose this friend of yours? If you don't tell her the truth, she's gonna believe that you don't give a damn about her and she'll walk away. Everyone loses patience someday!

And he replied with a sad smile on his face

I don't care about losing anything or anyone anymore, Garima. I've lost the things that meant the world to me and I'm still standing so I'm good. She deserves someone much better than me. And so do you!"

***

Excerpts From My Diary #2 - I Wish We Could Be Friends

“We can be friends, right? If not anything else.” Garima spoke in a sad tone. She seriously wanted to get into the life of this writer friend of mine.

“I am afraid I cannot be friends with anyone anymore, Garima.” He replied with a sad smile as he remembered someone.

“But why can’t you? Friendship is much easier than anything else.” Garima answered in an irritating tone.

He turned, looked deep into her eyes and spoke, “Whoever says Friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend.”

Remembering of his best friend, a spark lights up his eyes and he continues, “She was a great friend and I believe we experienced one of the greatest friendships anyone would have ever experienced.

Now, when I look back at what friendship means, it means her. And I know, I cannot be the same as before, as I was with her and neither can anyone know me like she did. That feeling was way beyond words.”

He lit up his Marlboro and was getting up to leave when Garima asked a question in her kiddish tone which warmed up his heart, “What if she would have still been here?”

He smiled as tears filled up his eyes, “You know I have started to find a certain level of happiness in knowing that I am sad. I am just contented that I still fill something, Garima. And this feeling scares me, haunts my heart, my mind and robs me off my peace. If she would have been here, this feeling would not have been here.”

And he walked away, leaving Garima wondering about the intensity, truthfulness and that feeling of the friendship he was talking about.

She fell in love with him, again.

***