Excerpts From My Diary #9 - The Biggest Regret

I rushed through the stairs to finally enjoy my favourite hours of the day. It had almost been my routine for over 2 months wherein every evening, I went to his terrace and just spent time with him. To be honest, everyday with him had been altogether a different experience for me. Somedays he had forced me to introspect about myself, about my faults and then somedays I felt like I was the only girl in the world. Somedays he has made me fall in love with him and then somedays he had made me hate him to the core.

It’s almost as if he is a magician and I am this awestruck kid. I have just been swaying and enjoying to whatever he has showed me.

Finally I reached at the top.

There he was sitting in his black hoodie along with his favourite companions – The Cigarette and Alcohol.

As I went ahead, I smiled and said a ‘Hi’. He acknowledged with a nod and a short smile.

I noticed something in his eyes today. They were a mix of red and yellow and they were all watery. As he glanced at me, he looked sexy. Very sexy. Pretty much like the vampire of my dreams. I so wished I could kiss him at that very moment. I looked a little towards his cigarette and was shocked to know the reason for his bloodshot eyes. 

He was smoking a joint. It was all the ‘Marijuana’ effect that had taken over him.

“You’re smoking weed?” I asked

“Why are you asking when you know?” He replied in a sarcastic tone.

“That’s not good for you.” I replied in a concerned tone.

“If you look at it that way, Garima, then even breathing is not good for me. Coz everytime I breath, I am reducing the leftover life span I have.” He replied with a half-hearted laugh.

As soon as I heard his reply, I knew he was in his depressing state today and I could try knowing about his life, a lil bit. Marijuana had totally shut off his mind so it was only his heart that could do the talking.

I thought of changing the topic and initiated, “This year is coming to an end. I have had a great year. Different experiences and an interesting journey. I want 2014 to be more of like that. What do you want the next year to be?” I blabbered with a smile. I just wanted to indulge him into this conversation.

He replied after taking a couple of deep breaths, “All I want 2014 to be is the opposite of 2013.”

“Why?”

“Because 2013 was too much to handle. I don’t want to take any of that shit anymore.”

“But those experiences must have taught you something na? Aren’t you grateful for that?”

“Grateful? Hah! I was better without learning all of that stuff.”

“Please elaborate.”

He looked straight into my eyes. And for the first time, I looked straight back into his. I guess this triggered him further.

“To be honest, Garima, I am tired of merely existing. I am tired of all these experiences life has been throwing at me. I am tired of learning and growing up all the time. I want to live for a while.”

I could see his eyes welling up and his throat choking a bit.

“Life is not life anymore, Garima. There is something missing in my laughter, in my cries, in my ambition, in everything I do.

I never feel the happiness when I laugh or the sadness when I cry. It seems as if I only exist.

Like I am just passing time and waiting for something worthwhile to come into my life and make me realize that all of this is just a nightmare. Just a fucking nightmare.” His volume was rising.

I realized it was his true self talking today. He seemed like just another normal guy who had just been through a lot of stuff. I tried getting behind the reason for all this.

“Hmm, what is your biggest regret? I know, there’s something you regret that kills you all the more from inside.” I continued

He went expressionless. It was as if I had asked him something that replayed all the important people of his life in front of him. He went silent but I could see his life was being played in front of his eyes. He poured some alcohol into his glass and gulped it. He made another large drink and went to the edge of the terrace.

“My biggest regret….My biggest regret is that I have never been good enough for people who have meant the world to me.” He spoke in a very husky voice. Tears were upto the brim meeting his eyelashes everytime he blinked.

“This is what kills me Garima. All the time. I have never been good enough for the people who have been so important in my life. The people for whom I would have easily taken a bullet for.

I was never ever good enough for them. Not even that good that they would have helped me through my tough times. Not even that good that they would have provided me the strength when I had a great fall. Not even that good that they would have fought for me to stay in their lives when I started walking away.

It really shatters every ounce of you when you know that the best you had wasn’t good enough.”

With every word he spoke, the angst and frustration in his voice increased. And by the end of it, he had crushed the glass in his hand to pieces. His hand was bleeding. I stood up and thought of having a look at it but he stopped me by showing his hand. He continued.

“And the worst thing about this kind of prejudice is that you feel destroyed and angry with yourself. That gives rise to self-doubt and you know you’ll never be good enough. Not for anyone. Not for yourself.

And that’s only because the people who saw and relished your naked soul, your true feelings, your ultimate being…left you.”

The tears finally flow from his eyes as I get up and hug him from behind. I started feeling his pain much more than him himself. More than his words, his eyes told me his story. There was so much pain in them with a tinge of innocence that I was just swept away in the waves of sadness. In the waves of him.

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